It's the small things. Last night I found one of Mom's shower caps in the bathroom closet hidden behind some towels. We just used their towels and stuff when we moved and stored our stuff. Anyway, I guess I missed this one when we cleaned out some of the stuff in the bathroom closet. It was a trigger. I cried. Mom never washed her hair in the shower--she always wore a cap and washed her hair in the sink. Why? I don't know. Anyway, there was this little pink shower cap. I could just see her wearing it. I go through cycles, as I think I've mentioned before. I've been missing them more again lately. Just missing seeing them and talking to them. Not the overwhelming hurt, but just being around them if that makes sense. It's like they've been away for awhile and now I need to see them again. I used some their stuff when I moved--toothpaste (there was an almost new tube in the drawer), shampoo, etc. Every time I throw something away that was theirs, I feel weird--like just one more thing of theirs gone. Mom had tons of Bath and Bodyworks stuff in the closet--shower gels, shower cream, lotions--most of it new and barely used. It will take me some time to use all that stuff. It will remind me of her. It is still hard to believe they are gone forever. It is still hard for me to wrap my mind around it.

This woman who works at the vet (Jamie Deckard) mentioned she saw me walking the other night. She said, "I just live on 19th street and my parents live up the hill across from the Fire Station." I was like, wait--she's talking about Granny's house! Her parents live in Granny's old house where Mom lived, too. I have always wanted to see inside that house after they remodeled it, and she said she would take me sometime. I spent a lot of time there. I used to always walk the dog over there to see Granny and visit. Sometimes I would play her baby grand piano, or I would run errands for her. She alway had me take the trash down and burn it (back when it was OK to do that.) I went to the post office and drug store for her. Granny (Mary Alberta Bratcher Drehobl) died on June 8, 1991. Cedar Haverly bought her house and her son fixed it up and they sold it to Jamie's parents. Every time I drive by it, I still think of Granny. Anyway, she's going to take me there and hopefully Bob and Bev Drehobl, too. Bob lived there with Mom and Bud and then after with Bev after they married. I guess Vincent (my grandfather) lived there, too, but I'm not sure. A lot of pictures in Mom and Dad's Wedding Album were taken in and in front of, that house.

The little hummingbird (Betty) continues to visit the feeder. Only one female ever comes. I still think it is Mom somehow trying to communicate with me in some way. One time I was saying how I hadn't seen her in several days, and right at the moment, she appeared. No kidding. It was as if she was saying, "Here I am, Susie. I'm still around." I know that sounds way out there, but it give me some comfort.

Last Sunday, we went to Jasper for John's Parish Picnic. I was impressed! It is a huge fund raiser. Mom and Dad always went every year and one year she won the bluebird quilt that was on their bed when they died. After trying all afternoon to win one, (they raffle off about 75 handmade quilts every year), it makes me appreciate how special that was. It was one of the things that Joe and Judy wanted, so they took it. I can see why Mom liked the quilt raffle. I could just see her buying chances and getting into it. Dad would just stand there and shake his head, probably, but he would like it because she liked it. It was neat spending the day with John doing something Mom and Dad used to do with him. I wish I had gone with them at least once.

We are so close to getting our Oolitic house up for sale. We've been cleaning it the last week. Susan said, "If your Mom was here, she would've really been hard at it." She is right. Mom loved to clean. When I moved out of my house on T Street, Mom cleaned it. The landlord said it was the cleanest rental house he had ever seen! Same with my apartments in Bloomington and Chicago. She always helped me clean before I moved. She even said she'd come out to Oolitic and help me clean sometimes. I don't think she ever did, though. I wanted to clean it myself.

Last night they played Dominoes up at church. We didn't go because we were pulling weeds at Oolitic. :-( But it reminded me that Dad was always wanting us to come over and play Dominoes with him and we never did. I wanted to--had planned to. It makes me sad that I never did. It always bothers me when I hear my friends griping about their parents. I wish I still had mine.

I miss you and love you Mom and Dad.

Susie