Feb. 9 revisited

I may have written about this day before, I don't know. But there are more things I wanted to write about.

February 9, 2007 was a Friday. I got up for work as usual. I remember thinking Sophie and Greta were cute sleeping on my bed, so took a picture. Didn't really have time to do that, but I wanted to email it to everybody later--including Mom and Dad. (We didn't have Fritzi yet.) I was in a pretty good mood.

Went to work and around 10:30, Mom sent me this email:

"Good morning. We are leaving for Jasper at 11 am. We are having lunch with John. Don't know what time we will be home, not late."

I immediately picked up the phone to call her. We talked for a few minutes. She asked if Susan and I wanted to come for vegetable soup on Saturday. I said sure. We loved Dad's soup. I don't remember what else we talked about. Just chit chat. That was the last time I ever talked to her.

So the day goes on and they went to see John. It was a sunny day and not too cold. I think they were taking him one of Dad's suitcases. He was getting ready to take a trip to Michigan, which is why they were going down there--to pick up John's little Dachshund, Hoss. They were going to keep him while John was gone. At some point they went to get meat at Merkley Meats in Jasper. They liked their pork chops and ground beef. Then they went to have lunch at the Schnitzelbank in Jasper. John says he remembers hugging Mom as they walked across the parking lot. According to John, they had a good lunch and were happy. Around 1:30, they said goodbye and headed for home with Hoss in his crate in the backseat.

Sometime around 2:30 pm, the accident occurred near Huron, Indiana on Hwy 50. According to the coroner, Dad was killed instantly. Mom lived about 30 seconds. Hoss was also killed, but I don't know anything about him.

Sam Craig, Lawrence County Sheriff, arrived on the scene and identified them. I don't know who called John, but he was called first. He then called Susan at the library and told her...and asked her to tell me. He did not want to tell me over the phone.

This is the part I will never forget. I was sitting in my office. It was about 4:30 pm. Susan came to get me and was obviously very upset. She kept asking me to come with her but I wouldn't--I just asked over and over what was wrong. She told me, "Your parents were in an accident". I said, "Are they OK?" And she just shook her head, no. I said, "Are they dead?" I don't remember if she shook her head or said "yes". I just know what the answer was. I asked her if she was kidding--of course, who would kid about something like that, but I was in shock and couldn't believe it. No, she wasn't kidding. I just remember grabbing my stuff, turning off my computer and leaving with her. Totally in shock and that heaviness and feeling of dread. That horrible, horrible feeling.

We went home--I actually drove my car by myself--and I cried all the way home. I called Aunt Pat in Phoenix and told her and asked her to call Dad's brothers, Tom and Joe. Uncle Bill was still living at this point. I tried to get in touch with Bob and Bev but they were not home.

I wanted to go down there to the crash site. I had to have more information. So about 6:00, Susan said she'd drive me. I know she didn't really want to, but she did. But the traffic was backed up and they weren't letting anybody onto Hwy 50. There were still cleaning up. I don't even want to know why it took over 3 hours--I know the truck that hit them caught on fire. I imagine it took them awhile to get Mom and Dad out of the car. We asked a police officer what was going on and told him my name. I wanted to know if this was the wreck involving my parents. He checked and confirmed. But there was nothing we could do. They wouldn't let us go through. So we just went back home.

It was awful not knowing what was going on. I had called Steve Kopp earlier at Ferguson and Lee and he didn't even know anything. Nobody knew where they were or anything and this really upset me. I wanted to know what happened. I didn't even know how it happened at this point. I know they wouldn't let us look at the car because it was so bad. We never got any of their clothing except Mom's coat and scarf, her purse and Dad's wallet. That's it. They were supposed to wash the scarf, but they didn't and it had blood on it. When we finally got Mom's coat, it was in pretty bad shape and it also had blood on it. We got a few items from the trunk of the car, but that was later.

That's all I can write for now. I don't know why I wanted to write this. I just felt like I needed to.

I miss you Mom and Dad.

Love,

Susie

February 14, 2008

Today is February 14th--Valentine's Day--the day of the funeral one year ago. I foolishly thought if I got past February 9, that I would be OK. But then there was the following days to deal with. February 13th was the day of the viewing. I did OK last year until the very end. Then I totally lost it. I did not want to leave the two caskets at the funeral home. I clung to one and then the other--the horribleness of spending equal time with each. I didn't even get time to visit with them one on one. I had to say goodbye to both together. I remember Dad's closed casket with the golf clubs nearby, the hats he so often wore and other memorabilia. Mom's had her bird book and some gardening tools. She wore her wedding ring and band. I got to see Mom at least--just the family did. I remember her laying there in her blue sweater, white blouse and charcoal gray slacks. The sweater, as I have mentioned before, was a Christmas gift from me to her. She had never worn it. She looked like Mom. There was some trauma to the left side of her head and face and she had lost her left arm. But her right arm and hand were there; and I held her hand. I promised her I would take care of her birds. I didn't know what else to say. I told her I loved her. I hope she knows that I did.

We did not get to see Dad. He was in too bad of shape. This is another one of those things that really bothers me. Not only did we not get to say goodbye as they died, but I could not even see Dad. I wished I could've seen him and touched him and told him goodbye and that I loved him.

Many people came to the funeral home for the visitation, but many did not due to weather. It was that strange February snow/ice storm we had last year. Too many of their elderly friends were afraid to come out. I understand.

Then there was the funeral. We got to visit with them one last time at the funeral home. Then they took the caskets and prepared them for the journey across the street to church. They took them in two hearses. The family walked from the funeral home to church. I walked between Jeff and my cousin, Mike, and held their hands. As we waited out in front of church, as they unloaded the caskets, 5 pigeons flew overhead. Jeff had been joking about that--he knew how much Mom hated pigeons--and sure enough, here they came. It kind of lightened the mood for a second. Later, though, I thought--5 pigeons--representing Mom, Dad, Joe, John and myself. Our little family of 5.

The Mass began with "Be Not Afraid"--one of my favorite Mass songs but it is so sad.
One of the worse parts of the funeral were the two caskets in front--I did not know which one was Mom and which was Dad and this bothered me all through Mass. At the end when we followed them out, I still did not know which was which. I hated this. I wanted to know who was where. And two caskets. It was such a strange sight. It was so overwhelming.

After Mass, we went out to Cresthaven for final prayers in the little chapel. I could tell now who was who because of the roses and banner on each casket. I took a rose from each. Joe marked one with a knife. That one was Mom's.

We buried my parents on Valentine's Day. I fear this day will always be painful for me.

I love you Mom and Dad.

Susie

1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY

Today is the one year anniversary of my parents' deaths.

I had to work today, so that kept me busy and my mind off things. I tried not to dwell on the horrible things that happened last year. I tried to stay in the present.

It was a sad day for me but I did OK. I received cards from Cheryl and Kim Wheeler. Kim also sent flowers and left a book "Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul" for me. What a special friend she is. The flowers were beautiful and they brightened my day. Katie and my cousin, Barbara, sent emails remembering the day. Uncle Tom called, as well as Joe and John.

After work Susan and I went to Cresthaven to visit the graves. I cried and I did not want to leave. Today felt different. I wanted to stay with them. I left a couple of rose decorations near their grave markers.

Then we met Bob and Bev for dinner. It was a nice visit. They have been so wonderful to me this past year. I will never forget what they have done.

We have survived a year. We will make it. I still miss them so very much, but I will make it.

I love you Mom and Dad.

Susie

p.s. Kim Cox sent a card later in the week. I'm very grateful for all the support I have received!

Today is February 1st. As soon as I saw that month come up on my computer, I had a sick feeling. 8 days from now, on the 9th, will be the 1 year anniversary of their deaths.
I admit I am feeling anxious. I know I should just go on--it is just another day. I can't believe almost a year has passed. It still seems very real and recent and it still hurts. I don't have any plans for that day right now, as I have to work. Maybe that is a good thing. Take my mind off it.

I will never stop missing you or stop loving you, Mom and Dad.

Susie