Sunday was Dad's birthday (Nov. 16). He would have been 85. This is the cake he "won" from Sam's Club in 2005. He got a free cake for his birthday. I think I wrote this before, but he practically ran back to the bakery to pick it up! He was so excited. He LOVED his birthday cakes. He would get such a big kick out of it. One of those endearing things about Dad. I like this picture because they look happy.

My friend, Kim, brought a card to me about remembering Dad and happy times. John came up and he, Susan and I went to the cemetery. We went out to eat and later we had cake--in honor of Dad.

Uncle Joe and Aunt Mary sent this message in an email:

We've been thinking of you all day today . . . the birthday of one really great man . . . your Dad, our Paul.

Just wanted you to know that we miss him, too, and hope that all is well with you.

We all miss you, Dad!

Love, Susie

Yesterday, Susan and I successfully cooked a turkey in the crock pot. It was a trial run for when John comes on Thanksgiving. My cousin, Theresa, invited us to her house again this year, but I wanted to stay home and do Thanksgiving at the house. It will just be me and Susan and John, but that's OK. That last Thanksgiving Mom and Dad cooked there were just the five of us. The house smelled good yesterday--it made me kind of emotional because it smelled just like Thanksgiving of years passed. Mom and Dad would both work on the turkey. Mom would make sweet potatoes or mashed potatoes, stuffing, asparagus--Dad would make a cranberry dish and the rolls. Mom would make pumpking pie! My favorite for many years. Mom and Dad, Granny, Aunt Opal, Aunt Bea and Uncle Check, Joe and Judy, Jeff and Jonna, John and myself. That was the usual lineup. Those were great times. Uncle Check would drop Bea and Opal off over at Granny's and Bea would give Granny a perm (Bea was a hairdresser). Check then would come to our house and watch football with Dad. After Granny's perm, they all came back over. They usually brought donuts or something. I will never forget Granny and her sisters, Opal and Bea, and Mom sitting at the kitchen table talking. Aunt Opal and Aunt Bea would always have jokes to tell and soon they were all laughing--sounding exactly the same! Mom definitely took after her mother's side of the family. Then there is the "Bratcher finger". Granny and her sisters were Bratchers and they all had this thing with their little finger on the right hand--it is double jointed or something and doesn't lay down flat unless you make it. Mom had it and I have it, too. They were so fun. I loved when they came. After dinner, we would gather around the dining room table and play "Blitz". Players have a three card hand and the aim is to collect cards in a single suit worth 31 points or as near as possible to that total. Uncle Check was a character and he enjoyed this game. Even Dad played, which was kind of rare!

I miss you Mom and Dad...and Granny, Aunt Opal, Aunt Bea and Uncle Check--I miss you all.

Love, Susie

I was thinking about some special memories of Dad. I remember having training wheels on a bike and him pushing me down the backyard. That backyard is so bumpy! He'd let go and I'd pedal and then fall over. At some point he took me to get a new bike. I guess I'd been riding one belonging to Joe or John. We went downtown and I can't remember where it was now, but he bought me a light blue girls 3 speed bike. I thought it was so cool because it had 3 speeds and you changed speeds in the right handle. I rode that bike a lot. Then later on when I wanted a bigger bike, we went to the Schwinn place in Bloomington and he bought me a 10 speed bike. Mom was with us then, I think. But I'm pretty sure it was just me and dad with the first one. That was neat.

To say that I loved listening to music as a kid is an understatement. I had this little record player, but I kept using Joe's stereo because it sounded better! One day Dad came home with a stereo just for me! It folded up like a suitcase. I don't know where he got it or anything--but he got it just for me. He knew how much I loved music. Then later on when I outgrew that one ( I had started listening to music on the "big" stereo in the living room)...he bought my first component stereo for me. It was Pioneer--turntable and receiver. I knew nothing about this kind of stuff, but he helped me. He even gave me the speakers that one of my uncles had made that were hooked up to the stereo downstairs. Wow! I had my on "real" stereo! I wore out many needles and he always helped me buy the right one and replace it. When I was using these old crappy headphones, he bought new ones for me. One time he took my turntable to some electronics guy down the street and when I said it still wasn't right (it was running too slow) he believed me and took it somewhere else. When I bought my first CD player component and new speakers, he was there with me to help me pick it out. So that was one thing we did together. Dad really appreciated good music and good sound and he wanted me to have a good system.

More on the music thing. Whenever there was a great musician on Johnny Carson, Dad would always have me come and watch it with him. A great guitarist or one time Buddy Rich was on there and we watched him. If Dad happened to find Elton John on TV somewhere and I didn't know about it, he'd come and get me. Dad liked classical music, too, and so I used to buy classical CDs for him. He had an acoustic guitar, but I never saw him play it much.

I miss you, Dad.

Love, Susie

I did a Google search for Paul Aloys Breidenbach, and this came up! The pic on the right was on the Purdue Engineering web site. The one on the left was the actual yearbook picture for 1950 (Debri). Dad was 27. He went to Purdue after the war. We found the yearbook in the hall closet.


Paul Aloys Breidenbach - BS 1950

They are doing a "Hero Tree" at work for all those who have served and/or are serving in the military. I put this picture on the tree. I just stumbled across it about two weeks ago in a photo album of Dad in WW II. This picture is awesome--Dad in his WW II uniform and Grandpa Al Breidenbach in his WW I uniform. Uncle Tom told me Grandpa Al was quite proud that he could still fit into his uniform! The picture is taken at the M Street house in Bedford circa 1944. Dad would've been around 20.

This photo album has lots of neat pictures of Dad in it. It is a treasure.

I wish I could've shared it with him but he never talked about this stuff.

I'm proud of you, Dad --Love, Susie

This time of year is still hard for me. I was looking at pictures of Brown County, Indiana, that I took when I went with Mom in October '05. I remember that day very well. It was beautiful. We decided to go to Brown County State Park after our trip to Nashville. We drove all way through the park to places I'd never been--Strahl Lake and Ogle Lake. Mom was very patient while I took pictures. :-) Again, I cherished this time of year with Mom. We always had our day together to Nashville and then usually on to Bloomington. We would be planning our trip by now. Of course we would have to work around her hair schedule--one week a perm, the next week color, etc. :-) Seems like she went every week for something. I wonder if I will ever get over this feeling in October. Still, this year, October is just not the same. I used to love it. Now I'm just kind of numb. I bought some of that candy again--the Brach's Mellowcremes that Mom got me started on. A lot of times our trips to Nashville would end up at Osco in Bloomington because they always had that candy. I still feel very empty inside sometimes. I miss my Mom and Dad.

Susie

I finally got rid of some stuff in the freezer. Mom used to make her own spaghetti sauce and I loved it. It was perfect. There were some little containers of it in the freezer and I kept thinking I might use it someday...but it got to the point where it wasn't really usable, so it was time to throw it out. It probably would've been hard for me anyway to eat it. Another thing she had was persimmon pulp dated Oct. '06. There is a persimmon tree in the neighbor's yard and they always told us we would have whatever we wanted, so Dad would go up there and gather persimmons. Then Mom would make pulp and pudding. There were at least two of these in the freezer in little butter containers. I don't know how to make her persimmon pudding. I was never a big fan until recently and it was pretty good. She'd make 2-3 persimmon puddings a year. Again, I thought I or somebody maybe could use it someday, but it was all iced over and probably not any good. So out it went along with the spaghetti sauce. When I was little there were two persimmon trees up there, but now there is just one. Why it still bears fruit, I don't know. We did finally eat some of Mom's stew meat the other day. There is still meat in there. I'm not a big meat eater but we will probably try to use it.

Cleaning out the hall closet again. I found a photo album with just pictures of Dad in the army and WW II stuff that I'd never seen. Sad that he never showed it to us. Why? I would've loved to share these memories with him, but he never talked about it. Maybe it was an unhappy time for him. Maybe this was a photo album his mother made. There were pictures of him in his uniform with his brothers. Also found some pictures of when Tom and Bud were at St. Meinrad. I actually found a picture of both of my grandmothers in it--there are very few of these. Pretty neat that both of their sons were at the seminary at the same time. It looked like they had all gone down to visit one time. I don't know if this was after Mom and Dad were married or not.

Found some pics of Mom hanging out with her friends. They seemed to like to go swimming a lot! Pictures of them at lakes and beaches. I remember that Mom loved to swim. Dad never knew how to swim and he told us his mother was afraid to let her sons go and so they never learned how. I remember Dad taking me to the pool and he would practice swimming in the shallow part. This is a nice memory--just me and Dad doing something together. He still was never comfortable in deep water. I love swimming, too. Mom took me to lessons when I was little so I learned how.

I wish I could talk to them sometimes. I still miss them very much.

Love,
Susie

Our Oolitic house officially went on the market yesterday. This is bittersweet. So glad to have it for sale, but we wouldn't be doing it if Mom and Dad hadn't died and we moved to their house.
I'm very glad we are in their house, though. I do like it much better. It is just that we were kind of "forced" into the situation if that makes sense. Anyway, now we are getting a little sad. This was the first house I ever owned. I remember showing it to Mom and Dad. I remember the night we moved my stuff from T Street--it was raining. Mom and John helped me with some of my stuff. Not sure where Dad was. I remember sitting out on the patio with Mom and Dad and there were these wasps coming out of the this hole by the patio door. Dad was all about spraying up in there--and all these angry wasps came flying out. Dad got our little stone "steps" for the back patio--which I will take with me. I remember when we got our landscaping done. We got the same pavers as Mom and Dad. They weren't cheap and I can just see Dad going around and counting them to see how much we'd spent! That was Dad. One time he cleaned out our garage for us so we could get a car in there for winter. One time he came out with the loppers and starting cutting limbs off the pines and Bradford Pairs in front--some of which we didn't want cut off! But that was Dad, too. When he got it in his head to do something, he'd just do it. He put up the light fixtures in our kitchen and put in a light fixture over the sink so we would see better. Later on I kind of quit asking him to do electrical stuff. It seemed to stress him out some. Not sure why. Mom always offered to help me clean the house, but I never took her up on it. She liked to look at our plants in the landscaping. We had a hosta bed in back and she gave us some hostas to put in there. I guess we will leave those. She always liked Susan's little yard decorations. When they would come to visit, Dad would head for the family room and turn the TV on to watch golf or whatever game was on. When the 17 year cicadas came in 2004, we had them everywhere. They didn't have them so much in town so I had Mom and Dad come out and check ours out. They couldn't believe how many we had.

Just random thoughts today. Will write more later.

Love you Mom and Dad.

Susie

It's the small things. Last night I found one of Mom's shower caps in the bathroom closet hidden behind some towels. We just used their towels and stuff when we moved and stored our stuff. Anyway, I guess I missed this one when we cleaned out some of the stuff in the bathroom closet. It was a trigger. I cried. Mom never washed her hair in the shower--she always wore a cap and washed her hair in the sink. Why? I don't know. Anyway, there was this little pink shower cap. I could just see her wearing it. I go through cycles, as I think I've mentioned before. I've been missing them more again lately. Just missing seeing them and talking to them. Not the overwhelming hurt, but just being around them if that makes sense. It's like they've been away for awhile and now I need to see them again. I used some their stuff when I moved--toothpaste (there was an almost new tube in the drawer), shampoo, etc. Every time I throw something away that was theirs, I feel weird--like just one more thing of theirs gone. Mom had tons of Bath and Bodyworks stuff in the closet--shower gels, shower cream, lotions--most of it new and barely used. It will take me some time to use all that stuff. It will remind me of her. It is still hard to believe they are gone forever. It is still hard for me to wrap my mind around it.

This woman who works at the vet (Jamie Deckard) mentioned she saw me walking the other night. She said, "I just live on 19th street and my parents live up the hill across from the Fire Station." I was like, wait--she's talking about Granny's house! Her parents live in Granny's old house where Mom lived, too. I have always wanted to see inside that house after they remodeled it, and she said she would take me sometime. I spent a lot of time there. I used to always walk the dog over there to see Granny and visit. Sometimes I would play her baby grand piano, or I would run errands for her. She alway had me take the trash down and burn it (back when it was OK to do that.) I went to the post office and drug store for her. Granny (Mary Alberta Bratcher Drehobl) died on June 8, 1991. Cedar Haverly bought her house and her son fixed it up and they sold it to Jamie's parents. Every time I drive by it, I still think of Granny. Anyway, she's going to take me there and hopefully Bob and Bev Drehobl, too. Bob lived there with Mom and Bud and then after with Bev after they married. I guess Vincent (my grandfather) lived there, too, but I'm not sure. A lot of pictures in Mom and Dad's Wedding Album were taken in and in front of, that house.

The little hummingbird (Betty) continues to visit the feeder. Only one female ever comes. I still think it is Mom somehow trying to communicate with me in some way. One time I was saying how I hadn't seen her in several days, and right at the moment, she appeared. No kidding. It was as if she was saying, "Here I am, Susie. I'm still around." I know that sounds way out there, but it give me some comfort.

Last Sunday, we went to Jasper for John's Parish Picnic. I was impressed! It is a huge fund raiser. Mom and Dad always went every year and one year she won the bluebird quilt that was on their bed when they died. After trying all afternoon to win one, (they raffle off about 75 handmade quilts every year), it makes me appreciate how special that was. It was one of the things that Joe and Judy wanted, so they took it. I can see why Mom liked the quilt raffle. I could just see her buying chances and getting into it. Dad would just stand there and shake his head, probably, but he would like it because she liked it. It was neat spending the day with John doing something Mom and Dad used to do with him. I wish I had gone with them at least once.

We are so close to getting our Oolitic house up for sale. We've been cleaning it the last week. Susan said, "If your Mom was here, she would've really been hard at it." She is right. Mom loved to clean. When I moved out of my house on T Street, Mom cleaned it. The landlord said it was the cleanest rental house he had ever seen! Same with my apartments in Bloomington and Chicago. She always helped me clean before I moved. She even said she'd come out to Oolitic and help me clean sometimes. I don't think she ever did, though. I wanted to clean it myself.

Last night they played Dominoes up at church. We didn't go because we were pulling weeds at Oolitic. :-( But it reminded me that Dad was always wanting us to come over and play Dominoes with him and we never did. I wanted to--had planned to. It makes me sad that I never did. It always bothers me when I hear my friends griping about their parents. I wish I still had mine.

I miss you and love you Mom and Dad.

Susie

Last week, I went to Joe and Judy's in Brainerd, MN. This was July 18-21. I'd never been before. Mom and Dad had been a few times--not sure how many. I flew. Airports make me think of Mom and Dad because I never traveled with anybody else. The last time I was in the Minneapolis airport was the summer of 2006 with Mom, Dad, and John on our way to Yellowstone. The airport is bigger than Indy's and we rode one of those carts to get from one end to the other. We had a long layover, so we took some kind of shuttle thing over to the Mall of America. John and I got ice cream at the Häagen-Dazs store. I got a new battery for my watch. We ate at some place like a Friday's. The things you remember. On the tram thing we were convinced we were going the right way but Dad thought we were wrong--he was right. I took some one day air trips with Mom, so flying makes me think of her, too. I missed them. Then when I got to Joe and Judy's, I missed them more. I had never visited Joe and Judy alone before. It felt odd them not being there. Something (two people) were missing. But Joe and Judy treated me great. We went on the pontoon every day. We saw loons and herons and ospreys and Mom would've loved it. She would've had her binoculars out. They took me to Itasca State Park where you can walk across the headwaters of the Mississippi River. We have pictures of when they did this with Mom and Dad. Mom in the water with her pant legs rolled up. Dad just walked across the log,but he did it, too. I was the last one in the family to go there. I'm glad they took me, but again, I kept picturing Mom and Dad there. I love that picture of Mom we have. The trip was bittersweet for me.

When I got back, John came to take Dad's gas grill. We weren't using it. However, it was in pretty bad shape so we just junked it. So Dad's grill is gone. It was a fixture on the patio for so long. One time he even got too close to the house and melted the siding a little.

So that's where we are. We are getting closer to having our Oolitic house up for sale but geez. It has taken sooo long. It weighs heavily on me. I just want it sold and out of my life.

I put the hummingbird feeder out a couple of weeks ago, but no takers yet. It may be mid August before they come.

Love, Susie

Another 4th of July without Mom and Dad. John called this week. He was feeling down because people were letting off fireworks and he thought of how we all used to gather for a fireworks "show". Mom liked the fountains and Dad liked the "artillery shells".

When we were kids, we would go over to Uzal and Dorothy Johnson's house for the 4th. They lived where the new pool is now. Back then, the city fireworks were let off at Wilson Park and you could see them from Uzal and Dorothy's house. Every year, Uzal would get a TON of fireworks--both legal and illegal. It was so much fun.

So then later on, John started going to Tennessee to get fireworks. Sometimes we went to "The Forty" with the Drehobls on the 4th. After they started selling the good stuff in Indiana, I used to go buy it and John would come home so we could let it off in the back yard. I'm probably repeating my post from last year, I don't know. Anyway, Dad would always have pieces of board ready so we could have a flat surface for these things. And a bucket of water to put the used ones in. Mom would sit in her lawn chair and watch. After we were done, he would always clean up. I think they enjoyed it. They seemed to. So it was always our thing--letting off fireworks. Both John and I agreed we mostly did it for them because neither one of us wants to do it anymore.

Tonight we went up the street and watched the city fireworks from the Church. I remember Dad and I doing this a few times.

Holidays are still strange without Mom and Dad. Even if we didn't do much, I still always spent the day with them. I miss them very much.

Love,
Susie

I have dreamed about Mom and Dad for the last two nights. The first night, we were going somewhere in the car and I was in the backseat--so familiar. I went with them in the car quite a bit--to Louisville to visit Aunt Opal, Aunt Bea and Uncle Check, traveling to visit Joe and Judy...or many times to Bloomington to go to Mass. Sometimes we would just go for a drive around the county. Dad would just start driving on these county roads and somehow we'd end up back in Bedford.

Last night I dreamed that Mom died first and left Dad. That was kind of strange.

Susan and I bought a couple of badminton racquet's and birdies. I haven't played badminton there for years, but when I was a kid, Dad would put up a net and we'd all play. Of course now there is all this landscaping and the tree is a lot bigger! This has brought back memories. We also had a croquet set.

The other day a Pfaltzgraff catalog came in the mail to Mom. They had crossed her name out but still delivered it. I wish they wouldn't do that--cross the name out. Anyway, it made me teary. She loved her Pfaltzgraff. One time I ordered a piece online for her and she was tickled because her pattern was retired and she didn't think she'd get any more pieces.

Love,
Susie

Yesterday was Memorial Day. On Sunday, Susan and I went out to Cresthaven and put flowers on Mom and Dad's graves. However, I found out that they have to be removed by next weekend. Only vase flowers can be used during the mowing season.

We cleaned the markers off. Dad's had some bird poo on it--on the "R" in Breidenbach. I told Susan it figured--Dad had been pooped on by birds many times!

One time we were at a Cincinnati Reds game and out of all those people sitting there in the stadium...what are the odds...we're sitting there and this "splat" hits Dad's leg--bird poop! We all had a good laugh at that. Seems like I remember it happening another time, too.

The Indy 500 was this weekend, too. Dad used to always listen to it on the radio and then watch it later when they aired it. Mom used to like to hear them say, "Gentlemen, start your engines"! There was always sort of an excitement in the air. It was something Dad and I could talk about.

Susan attempted to paint Mom's front porch wicker furniture. Mom had painted them once before. The paint we used didn't cover too well. We put out Dad's American flag. This was sort of a new thing with Dad. I don't remember a flag on the front porch growing up.

It is still hard for me believe that they are gone. Surely, I must have accepted it by now, but I still have this yearning to see them and talk to them. I dreamed about Dad one night over the weekend and it was very real and it woke me up. Last night Susan was showing her dad our plants along the fence, it so reminded me of Mom--all the times I followed her up that very sidewalk to look at her plants and flowers. I could almost see her there walking ahead of me. Sometimes I try to picture them there with me. I still miss them.

Love,
Susie

Yesterday a library patron contacted me about a library matter, and then she asked me if Paul Breidenbach was my father. When I told her yes, she replied:

Yes, I met him several times and I also knew your mother. My father was David Burton, I imagine you knew him as well from attending St. Vincent’s. My husband used to work with your father at the foundry.

I think of your father every Sunday…..we usually watch the Fox News program & there is a gentleman by the name of Mort Kondracke on the panel who I think looks a lot like your dad. I was shocked and saddened by the untimely death of both your parents and I’m sure you and your siblings still miss them terribly. They were wonderful people.

I knew her from the unemployment office……I was laid off from the foundry! My husband still works there. . .he is an electrical engineer. I believe your dad retired shortly after he started in 1984. What a wonderful legacy you have in their home. It’s just down the street from the church, isn’t it? Such a small world!

I just wanted to share that. I love hearing stuff about them. Last week, a neighbor, was telling me how Dad used to bring down a baggy of candy for their son on Halloween. And, if she was having a yard sale, they would take down some items and say give the money to their son. I had no idea.

Love you Mom and Dad!

Susie

Some of Mom's azaleas didn't survive the hot, dry summer last year. However, this one near the house did survive. It is beautiful. I just know she would have loved to see it. Maybe she still does see it from wherever she is.

Love,
Susie

Memorial Bench

We had wanted to do some kind of memorial for Dad at Otis Park Golf Course. He loved it there. It IS a beautiful and peaceful place. I can see why he loved it so much. So we thought a stone or some kind of marker. But I had seen a memorial bench out there and I thought that was a good idea.

Originally, it was just going to have Dad's name on it. But then, he and Mom would walk out there in the evenings and she would bird watch. I was out there one night and I saw a friend, Georgann Mullis and her husband, Terry. They started talking about how they used to see Mom and Dad out there walking all the time. So, I thought Mom's name should be on there, too. Very neat that Dad shared "his" world with Mom. Besides, I feel like they are forever linked now. If Dad had died at some other time than Mom, perhaps we would have done something just for him. But the way it happened--they will always be together. (I used to call them the PU--Parental Unit--they truly are one "unit" now.) Anyway, I asked Bob Drehobl if he knew who I should contact regarding getting a limestone bench. He took it from there (Thanks Uncle Bob!). It had to be limestone--Mom's (and Bob's) father was a stone draftsman in the limestone industry. Bob, as well.

One time, Dad got a hole-in-one on #3, so we knew we wanted it to be placed in that area. I remember when he got the hole-in-one, but I'm not sure what year it was. Mike Mitchell of the Bedford Parks Department was very accommodating--they picked up the bench and placed it for us. If you are on # 3 tee looking at the green, the bench is to the left of the green by the fence and cart path. You can drive up to the shelter and see it also. This is an area where Georgann said she had seen Mom bird watching many times. Perfect.

My dear friend, Lori Wagner, wrote, "Can’t you just see your Mom and Dad smiling and delighted by this bench? It is beautiful!!! If spirits exist, can’t you just see them walking and taking a rest on that bench?" I love these images. Thank you, Lori.

Dad's golfing buddy, Gene Anderson, emailed: "Gene Humes and I sat on the beautiful bench, memorial to your mother and father, Betty and Paul yesterday. We sat there for a few minutes just remembering." Thank you, Gene.

I'm so glad we did the bench. I will visit it often.

I miss you and love you, Mom and Dad.

Susie

As I mentioned in my last post, Dad was in the army. He was in World War II. He hardly ever talked about it. Just once in awhile he'd say something like he turned 21 on the high seas going to Europe. I remember he used to gross us all out because he wouldn't get a clean plate for dessert. He'd just put it right on top of ketchup or something. He said he got used to that in the army--just eating everything together. He called chipped beef on mashed potatoes "Sh*t on a shingle"...he said he got that from the army, too. And he'd say "Don't sh*t in your mess kit", another WWII phrase which means something like "take care of your stuff because no one else will". Of course, "Hell's fire" and "Well, hell" (said in that unique way) were commonly heard. But he wasn't a hard or vulgar man. This was just the way talked sometimes. I never saw pictures of him in the army until we were going through old photos after he was gone. I guess it wasn't a good memory for him. He was a radio repairman, a Tech 4. This is what his insignia looked like--we found several of these. I think it is the same as a sergeant. He was in the 8th Armored Division, 58th Armored Infantry Battalion, Service Company. I'm not really sure what all that means, but the Service Company was partly made up of "support units" which would cover radio repair.
After the war, he went to Purdue and got his degree in Electrical Engineering. I always wondered if he got interested in that when he was working on radios. We found a letter from an Army buddy who encouraged him to pursue it because he was so talented in that area.

I miss you, Dad. I wish I could see you on the patio swinging a broom like a golf club...or making grilled chicken on your gas grill. I miss you standing on the patio dropping golf balls to check their "bounce". Or the buckets of soapy water with golf clubs in them. Last night, in the proud tradition of Paul Breidenbach, I slung dog poop over the fence. :-) I miss seeing you sitting in the patio chair working your crossword puzzles. I guess I've been spending more time outside and missing you there. I kept a golf ball (out of the zillions that we found) and put it in the cabinet on the back porch where you used to keep them. I like seeing it there.

Love,
Susie

This grief thing goes in cycles. Although it has been over a year, I still grieve. Some of the heaviness is gone, but I still think of them daily and miss them. Today, for some reason, I was thinking of how Dad called the dogs "Coon". If you heard him do it, you know just how that sounded. He said it kind of strangely. All the dogs were Dachshunds, not coon dogs, but for some reason, they still got called "Coon". Even, "Coon's a good doggie" and stuff like that. He'd call them by their names, too, but a lot of the time it was just "Coon". It was just this thing he did. I was trying to remember if he ever called Greta that. Maybe. She wasn't over there very much since we just got her in December 2006. But Sophie--she was called that a lot! Or he would call her "Soapie". And Heidi and Penny--they were called that, too. He loved the dogs. He really did. He would carry Sophie outside and hold her so that her face was next to his cheek and he'd be talking to her and telling her she was a good doggie. She would follow him all the way up to the back when he took out the trash. She loved going with him.

I was just telling some people at work about when Heidi (1977-1990) had her back problems. Her back legs were becoming paralyzed and she was in a lot of pain. She had a disk disease. I was at IU and I remember when they called me and told me the options were to put her down or take her to Purdue for surgery. Well, immediately I thought--they are going to put her to sleep because there is NO way Dad will pay for surgery (at that time in 1984 it was $400). To my surprise, they decided to take her to Purdue! I will never forget when Dad picked me up after my last final exam in December to go pick her up. We drove to Lafayette and brought her home. I rode with her in the back seat. She was a sick little dog for a while, but she pulled through and did fine for several years. But the thing was--Dad was a softie. Whether it was because he knew it would upset me to lose her, or whether he didn't want to lose her himself, or a little of both--I don't know. But Mom and Dad took her up there and Dad and I went and brought her home. There is another funny story with this...when we brought her home, she was sick and had diarrhea. So Mom was trying to keep her confined to the bathroom at night. One morning I was upstairs and I saw Mom trying to step over this board to get into the bathroom--here she is in her robe and slippers--and she steps in poo and slips and falls. It isn't funny she fell, but she got poo all over her robe and she was not happy! I think there may have been curse words uttered! (She didn't curse very often--not like Dad, whose every other word was "hell" or "damn"--he was in the army, after all.) Anyway, I was standing at the top of the stairs and it was all I could do to not laugh. That would have REALLY made her mad!

I wish they could've known Greta and met Fritzi. I know they would've liked them a lot. Not sure what Mom would've done with Fritzi--I'm sure after "Betty Boot Camp", Fritzi would mind a lot better!

Love you Mom and Dad.

Susie

I have not written in a long time. But it doesn't mean I don't think of Mom and Dad every single day. Today I was trying to find a picture on my computer and of course, I ran across several pictures of Mom and Dad. The tears came. Then I just keep looking at them and looking at them and missing them even more. Time goes by and sometimes I try to trick myself into thinking it's just like they are still alive--just living somewhere else. Then it hits me--no, they are dead.
But John always says they are still alive--just living in another "world". They are near. We just can't be with them anymore in physical form. This gives me some comfort.

Susan and I visited John in Jasper on Easter. On the way back we had this crazy snow storm! Big flakes. Kind of freaked us out a little--esp. since it was on the road of the accident. I did OK going down. On the way back, I cried when we passed the spot where it happened.

Mom's birthday was March 29th. She would have been 79 this year. I visited her grave site and "talked" to her for awhile. Sometimes, I still cannot believe she is gone.

We had some water problems in the basement. I don't remember them having huge water problems, but we had quite a bit. It wasn't standing water (at least by the time we found it), but it was "squishy". This is our new carpet we just put down last fall. :-( We might try sealing the cracks on the floor in the back room and putting DryLock on the block parts of the walls. We will have Sean Taylor come back and clean it when the rainy season is over. We got an estimate on a major waterproofing procedure and it was $6900.00. Too high for us right now. Especially, when we still have a house in Oolitic. It isn't even on the market yet. Hopefully, soon. We need to empty it and then have some work done and clean it.

Life on I St. goes on. Sometimes I miss them terribly and think, maybe I shouldn't live here surrounded by all their stuff. I see them in just about everything I do. But then, I couldn't NOT live here. Not right now. I need to be here. It makes me feel closer to them in some ways.

I think we only lost one Azalea bush from last summer's drought. It looks like the rest of Mom's landscaping is coming back--even the dogwood trees that looked so bad. Not sure about all of it yet, though. I think there are a few in front that are in question.

My niece, Jonna, is pregnant again! Mom and Dad barley knew Maggie, but they did get to see her. Mom would be excited to have another great-grandchild on the way.

Last night I paid my taxes. One of Dad's IRA's seemed to be a problem and we had to pay taxes on it. That was a lot. I guess the rest of their investments were different for some reason. Anyway, it was a LOT. I hope I never have to pay that much money again. It was their money to start with, but still. It makes you kind sick to have to pay that much in taxes. But that is done. The last big thing, now, is selling the house in Oolitic. Maybe when that is done, my life can stabilize a bit. Maybe some closure. I don't know. It seems there are these hurdles to get over and then maybe life can get back to normal--or the "new" normal. My life will never again be the same.

Still miss you, Mom and Dad.

Love,

Susie

Feb. 9 revisited

I may have written about this day before, I don't know. But there are more things I wanted to write about.

February 9, 2007 was a Friday. I got up for work as usual. I remember thinking Sophie and Greta were cute sleeping on my bed, so took a picture. Didn't really have time to do that, but I wanted to email it to everybody later--including Mom and Dad. (We didn't have Fritzi yet.) I was in a pretty good mood.

Went to work and around 10:30, Mom sent me this email:

"Good morning. We are leaving for Jasper at 11 am. We are having lunch with John. Don't know what time we will be home, not late."

I immediately picked up the phone to call her. We talked for a few minutes. She asked if Susan and I wanted to come for vegetable soup on Saturday. I said sure. We loved Dad's soup. I don't remember what else we talked about. Just chit chat. That was the last time I ever talked to her.

So the day goes on and they went to see John. It was a sunny day and not too cold. I think they were taking him one of Dad's suitcases. He was getting ready to take a trip to Michigan, which is why they were going down there--to pick up John's little Dachshund, Hoss. They were going to keep him while John was gone. At some point they went to get meat at Merkley Meats in Jasper. They liked their pork chops and ground beef. Then they went to have lunch at the Schnitzelbank in Jasper. John says he remembers hugging Mom as they walked across the parking lot. According to John, they had a good lunch and were happy. Around 1:30, they said goodbye and headed for home with Hoss in his crate in the backseat.

Sometime around 2:30 pm, the accident occurred near Huron, Indiana on Hwy 50. According to the coroner, Dad was killed instantly. Mom lived about 30 seconds. Hoss was also killed, but I don't know anything about him.

Sam Craig, Lawrence County Sheriff, arrived on the scene and identified them. I don't know who called John, but he was called first. He then called Susan at the library and told her...and asked her to tell me. He did not want to tell me over the phone.

This is the part I will never forget. I was sitting in my office. It was about 4:30 pm. Susan came to get me and was obviously very upset. She kept asking me to come with her but I wouldn't--I just asked over and over what was wrong. She told me, "Your parents were in an accident". I said, "Are they OK?" And she just shook her head, no. I said, "Are they dead?" I don't remember if she shook her head or said "yes". I just know what the answer was. I asked her if she was kidding--of course, who would kid about something like that, but I was in shock and couldn't believe it. No, she wasn't kidding. I just remember grabbing my stuff, turning off my computer and leaving with her. Totally in shock and that heaviness and feeling of dread. That horrible, horrible feeling.

We went home--I actually drove my car by myself--and I cried all the way home. I called Aunt Pat in Phoenix and told her and asked her to call Dad's brothers, Tom and Joe. Uncle Bill was still living at this point. I tried to get in touch with Bob and Bev but they were not home.

I wanted to go down there to the crash site. I had to have more information. So about 6:00, Susan said she'd drive me. I know she didn't really want to, but she did. But the traffic was backed up and they weren't letting anybody onto Hwy 50. There were still cleaning up. I don't even want to know why it took over 3 hours--I know the truck that hit them caught on fire. I imagine it took them awhile to get Mom and Dad out of the car. We asked a police officer what was going on and told him my name. I wanted to know if this was the wreck involving my parents. He checked and confirmed. But there was nothing we could do. They wouldn't let us go through. So we just went back home.

It was awful not knowing what was going on. I had called Steve Kopp earlier at Ferguson and Lee and he didn't even know anything. Nobody knew where they were or anything and this really upset me. I wanted to know what happened. I didn't even know how it happened at this point. I know they wouldn't let us look at the car because it was so bad. We never got any of their clothing except Mom's coat and scarf, her purse and Dad's wallet. That's it. They were supposed to wash the scarf, but they didn't and it had blood on it. When we finally got Mom's coat, it was in pretty bad shape and it also had blood on it. We got a few items from the trunk of the car, but that was later.

That's all I can write for now. I don't know why I wanted to write this. I just felt like I needed to.

I miss you Mom and Dad.

Love,

Susie

February 14, 2008

Today is February 14th--Valentine's Day--the day of the funeral one year ago. I foolishly thought if I got past February 9, that I would be OK. But then there was the following days to deal with. February 13th was the day of the viewing. I did OK last year until the very end. Then I totally lost it. I did not want to leave the two caskets at the funeral home. I clung to one and then the other--the horribleness of spending equal time with each. I didn't even get time to visit with them one on one. I had to say goodbye to both together. I remember Dad's closed casket with the golf clubs nearby, the hats he so often wore and other memorabilia. Mom's had her bird book and some gardening tools. She wore her wedding ring and band. I got to see Mom at least--just the family did. I remember her laying there in her blue sweater, white blouse and charcoal gray slacks. The sweater, as I have mentioned before, was a Christmas gift from me to her. She had never worn it. She looked like Mom. There was some trauma to the left side of her head and face and she had lost her left arm. But her right arm and hand were there; and I held her hand. I promised her I would take care of her birds. I didn't know what else to say. I told her I loved her. I hope she knows that I did.

We did not get to see Dad. He was in too bad of shape. This is another one of those things that really bothers me. Not only did we not get to say goodbye as they died, but I could not even see Dad. I wished I could've seen him and touched him and told him goodbye and that I loved him.

Many people came to the funeral home for the visitation, but many did not due to weather. It was that strange February snow/ice storm we had last year. Too many of their elderly friends were afraid to come out. I understand.

Then there was the funeral. We got to visit with them one last time at the funeral home. Then they took the caskets and prepared them for the journey across the street to church. They took them in two hearses. The family walked from the funeral home to church. I walked between Jeff and my cousin, Mike, and held their hands. As we waited out in front of church, as they unloaded the caskets, 5 pigeons flew overhead. Jeff had been joking about that--he knew how much Mom hated pigeons--and sure enough, here they came. It kind of lightened the mood for a second. Later, though, I thought--5 pigeons--representing Mom, Dad, Joe, John and myself. Our little family of 5.

The Mass began with "Be Not Afraid"--one of my favorite Mass songs but it is so sad.
One of the worse parts of the funeral were the two caskets in front--I did not know which one was Mom and which was Dad and this bothered me all through Mass. At the end when we followed them out, I still did not know which was which. I hated this. I wanted to know who was where. And two caskets. It was such a strange sight. It was so overwhelming.

After Mass, we went out to Cresthaven for final prayers in the little chapel. I could tell now who was who because of the roses and banner on each casket. I took a rose from each. Joe marked one with a knife. That one was Mom's.

We buried my parents on Valentine's Day. I fear this day will always be painful for me.

I love you Mom and Dad.

Susie

1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY

Today is the one year anniversary of my parents' deaths.

I had to work today, so that kept me busy and my mind off things. I tried not to dwell on the horrible things that happened last year. I tried to stay in the present.

It was a sad day for me but I did OK. I received cards from Cheryl and Kim Wheeler. Kim also sent flowers and left a book "Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul" for me. What a special friend she is. The flowers were beautiful and they brightened my day. Katie and my cousin, Barbara, sent emails remembering the day. Uncle Tom called, as well as Joe and John.

After work Susan and I went to Cresthaven to visit the graves. I cried and I did not want to leave. Today felt different. I wanted to stay with them. I left a couple of rose decorations near their grave markers.

Then we met Bob and Bev for dinner. It was a nice visit. They have been so wonderful to me this past year. I will never forget what they have done.

We have survived a year. We will make it. I still miss them so very much, but I will make it.

I love you Mom and Dad.

Susie

p.s. Kim Cox sent a card later in the week. I'm very grateful for all the support I have received!

Today is February 1st. As soon as I saw that month come up on my computer, I had a sick feeling. 8 days from now, on the 9th, will be the 1 year anniversary of their deaths.
I admit I am feeling anxious. I know I should just go on--it is just another day. I can't believe almost a year has passed. It still seems very real and recent and it still hurts. I don't have any plans for that day right now, as I have to work. Maybe that is a good thing. Take my mind off it.

I will never stop missing you or stop loving you, Mom and Dad.

Susie

Today is a beautiful, sunny day. I even got out and filled the bird feeders and replaced some landscape light bulbs. When I'm outside, I think of Mom and Dad. Mom filling her bird feeders; Dad changing the light bulbs. The last time the bulbs were changed, he most likely did it. I know they would have been outside today. Maybe Mom would have gone to the track to walk if she felt like it. Dad would've walked around the neighborhood and said his rosary. Perhaps they would've even went to Otis and walked. I just know they would've enjoyed this sunny and not so cold day.

Living here, I see and feel them in so many things I do. Sometimes it is comforting and other times it makes me sad. But I am still glad I'm living here.

We're going to pick up John from the airport shuttle drop off in Bloomington in a bit. Picking him up at the Hampton Inn. A year ago on Jan. 29th, Mom and I did the same thing for Dad. He was coming back from his trip from Phoenix. It doesn't seem like a year ago. A year ago, they were still with us.

I miss you Mom and Dad.

Love,

Susie

I had surgery on January 15th. A year ago at this time I saw a doctor in Indy about having a breast reduction. I have been having problems for years. Anyway, I remember talking it over with Mom and Dad. I thought they would think I was weird, but to my surprise, they were totally supportive and even offered to help me with it financially. I remember sitting at this same dining room table as I'm sitting now having the conversation. I was so happy they were OK with it and gave it their blessing. They knew I struggled with my size. I found out a few days after their accident that I had been approved for the surgery by my insurance. Timing...well, needless to say I said I wouldn't be having it any time soon and maybe not at all.

But sometime last Fall, I realized that if I did not do it within the 1 year time frame, I may not get approved again. I had until February of 2008 to do it...so I made the appointment and I did it.

Now...it is bittersweet. I wish they were here to share this with me. I have thought about doing this for years and years and finally when I get the nerve to do it, they are not here with me. So many firsts. First time I'd ever had surgery and not awakened to see Mom there by my bed. She was always there to comfort, to look at me the way only a mother can when her child is in pain. That look that says love and worry and strength. I've had several surgeries over the years and I always become sick to my stomach. She was always there to help me--even if it meant I threw up on her which I know I did at least a couple of times.

After all of my surgeries, I came home to this house to recuperate under the care of Mom and Dad. Mom was not overly doting, but she was there if I needed her and, most of all, she was there to talk to and cry with when I didn't feel good or when I was scared about things. She was just there and my mom. She helped me take showers and get dressed. She made good, nutritious meals for me. She took me for rides in the Fall of 1997 after I had my hysterectomy and had been cooped up for several days. She drove me around town and out to The Woods (housing addition) to look at the fall colors. Dad was quiet, but there, asking "How are you feeling today?" and keeping the supply of my favorite foods on hand. They let me sleep in their bed next to the bathroom for several weeks and they slept upstairs. Never complaining. Sometimes Mom would take me over to my house for a few hours and then come back and pick me up.

When I went to see the doctor last January, I thought for sure Mom and Dad would be there when I had the surgery, just as they have always been. I thought I would come home to stay for a week or so at their house at least during the day. So it has been strange these past few weeks being here in the house alone while Susan was at work. I admit, I became weepy many times. I know, I'm an adult. But I want my Mom. Especially now.

Not to say that I have been uncared for. Susan was there with me at the hospital. She even slept on a cot overnight in my room. Bob and Bev were there, too, when I got out of surgery. Words cannot describe what they all mean to me. I am very lucky to have them and I thank God for them.

I wish Mom and Dad could see the "new me". But as my friend Kim, said, "they know". Wherever they are, they see and they know and they are still with me.

I miss you Mom and Dad.

Love,

Susie

Today would've been Sophie's 17th birthday. We always got together on her birthday for cake and ice cream. I know, she was a dog, but it was an excuse to get together and have cake :-). Either Mom and Dad would come to our house we would go to theirs. Last year, we went over there. I have a few pictures. There's one of just Mom's hand feeding cake to Sophie. John and Hoss were there, too. I do have pictures of Sophie, Hoss and Greta together on a chair in the living room.
You can see Dad in the background smiling. All those crazy Dachshunds. He liked them.
I usualy just bought one of those little frozen cakes, but last year I actually bought a cake and had her name and "16" put on it.

Happy Birthday, Sophie.

My early memories of New Year's Eve are of Mom and Dad going to the Knights of Columbus dance. They'd get home late and bring stuff from the party--hats and horns and leis and other noisemakers. Then the next day John and I would play with these things and drive them nuts, I'm sure! I don't know when they quit going to the dances. Last year they went to visit with their friends, Watson and Patty Pearson, and had bean soup. That's what Dad wrote on his calendar. I used to call them after midnight and wish them a happy new year, but I can't remember if I did last year or not. I may have waited until the next day. I didn't do much this year. John and I went to a movie and then he came back to the house and he, Susan and I watched the ball drop. Then he left for Drehobl's and that's about it. We drank some Aste Spumante and toasted 2008--I sure hope it is better than 2007.

Happy New Year, Mom and Dad.

Love you.

Susie