Today is Maggie's 1st birthday. I remember when she was born. Mom and Dad were great grandparents! How cool is that. They went up for her baptism and we have lots of neat pictures---Mom holding her and Dad holding her with Joe and Jonna. What great pictures. I am so glad they got to experience this.

Every time I think I am finished going through their things, something else needs to be done. Today I emptied Mom's little nightstand she had sitting next to her blue chair in her bedroom. She had the TV on top. There were two drawers to empty. I had been putting this one off. This was her stuff. She kept her journals here and wrote in them everyday. She had been keeping track of what she'd been eating, her weight and how much prednisone she was taking. She'd been writing this on a little yellow notepad. There was an entry made on Feb. 9--the morning of the accident. This stuff was hard. I cried more than I have cried recently. The tears wouldn't stop. This was was the personal, daily stuff. It was like she was still here, writing these things down. She lived in that blue chair! That was her spot. She watched the morning news there, the evening news and whatever shows she liked. When I'd go over at night to visit, that's where she would be. Sometimes drying her hair, or rolling it up while she watched TV. She had been writing in these little journals since the 80's. Before she used a day planner, she just used notebooks. Although I have looked at them before, I could not today. Just packed them away for another time. She kept notes on some books she'd read. Lots of notepads, pencils, pens, post-its, and post-it "flags". In one notebook, she wrote down what she'd served at organ club, now much she made and how much was left over! She did this several years in a row. Guess she was trying to figure out what how much to serve next time. Also found a partially used book of .29 cent hummingbird stamps from I think 1991. And, of course, the always present used dental floss "pick"! On top of the nightstand was her TV, a candle holder I believe she got in Ireland, the TV remote, some hand lotion and her small battery powered clock. She had a little bookshelf type thing behind her chair and on that she kept the phone, bird books, a small lamp, Bird Watcher's Digest in binders on the lower shelf. There was a hanging swag lamp over the chair that we sold in the auction. That had been there for years.

She also had several binders, file folders and two accordion type file things full of landscaping info. Stuff she'd printed out on the Internet, gotten out of magazines, etc. on various plants and flowers and landscaping info. One accordion file had all the little plant "tags" that had come with each plant. There tons of these! She must have saved every one. Some had receipts attached--I guess so she would know when she got them and from where they came. Several receipts from various landscapers when they had work done. Pictures of the yard at various stages of development. I had not realized she'd been working on her yard since the late 80's. There were pictures of the yard when they got the fence done and there was no landscaping. That was neat to see. She loved her yard and wanted to make it pretty. She loved all the different plants. You couldn't go over there without her taking you on a walk around the yard pointing out what was new, what was doing well and what wasn't. Some of the plant/flower names I remember and some I don't. They came and went over the years. There was one hosta named "Paul's Glory". I thought that was neat. I need to find out what it looks like to see if it is still over there. There are so many different types of hostas. The sad thing was that I did not realize Mom had kept all this stuff and was so meticulous about it. I knew she printed out stuff, but I had no idea she had saved all this stuff. Saving receipts and stapling them to the little tags--sounds like something Dad would do! Maybe all those years living together had worn off on her. Or maybe that wasn't it at all--maybe she was just that way all along.

I miss my mom. She loved her plants and her birds. I filled up the hummingbird feeder again today as the little female is really coming a lot. I really cannot fill that up and not think of Mom.
Today she also had a nuthatch, two titmice, several sparrows and goldfinches, a chickadee, cardinals and some other bird I need to identify. The little sparrows line up on the fence. It is cute. Also a squirrel or two. Susan dug up three seedums from the library to replace the two arborvitae and something else that didn't live this summer. (The library is re-doing their stuff and the plants were "up for grabs".) The arborvitae didn't look good last year and Mom wasn't very happy with them. This year they just didn't make it. Every time I fill up the feeders or birdbath I think of Mom. I miss her very much.

Love,

Susie

Went to St. Paul's in Bloomington today for Mass. Haven't done that since probably February or March. Mom and Dad loved St. Paul's. They went every weekend unless the weather was bad. Today we had Fr. Stan. They always had to tell you who had the Mass they attended. Of course, they really liked Fr. Rich, who had their funeral. They've made some changes at St. Paul's. When we arrived, there was a basket in every pew. At the collection, everybody put in their money and passed the baskets to the center. Then whoever ended up with the basket took it up and dumped their basket into a bigger one which Father was holding. Interesting. Kind of neat. I liked it. I'm sure Mom and Dad would've had something to say about. If Dad didn't bring it up, I would have. I liked talking church stuff with him. We didn't really have much to talk about, so I would look for things that I knew interested him. Another thing we talked about was football. While we were at the restaurant, an NFL game was on the TV. It made me think of Dad. Football will always make me think of Dad. I loved watching football with him. We'd done this for years. I used to watch a lot of Monday Night Football with him. Then they started having games on Sunday nights and I'd go over and watch those. Last year, I tried to watch the Colts with him as much as I could. The last game I watched with him was when the Colts won the Super Bowl. I will never forget that Sunday. We went over and had dinner with them and watched the game--even Mom watched. It was Feb. 4, 2007. It was the last time I was with them at the house. They were gone 5 days later. I kept this little playoff bracket thing Dad had cut out of the newspaper. He'd written the Colts in and the date the won.

This past Friday, movers came and moved Mom and Dad's bedroom set upstairs to my room. We weren't sure it was going to fit--but it did. It looks good in there. Better than I thought it would. Their old bedroom furniture went to Susan's room. So that is done. Their old bedroom is empty. Don't think I've ever seen it empty. We are going to make it a family room.

I was excited after they moved the furniture. Excited...and sad. I'm ready to start over and get moved. But all of this makes me sad. Every day something makes me cry. Today I was cleaning out Mom's dresser and found one of the little table runners she had quilted. She had just started quilting a couple of years ago. She enjoyed it. Anyway, this made me cry. She used to like showing me what she was working on. She had lots of dish towels stored in her dresser for some reason. We won't have to buy dish towels for a long time! We cleaned out the remainder of their bedroom closet. I had saved some shirts to keep and I folded them and boxed them. I cried again. I kept some of Dad's ties and cardigan sweaters. I might wear the sweaters. Kept some of his flannel shirts. He only had a few. Kept his robe. I don't have a robe, so I'll wear this one. I can't wear Mom's. They are too small. I kept the purse Mom had with her in the accident. I kept a golf ball. I put it and an old golf tee in the cabinet on the back porch so I would see it every time I got in there. There has to be a golf ball and tee laying around somewhere. There always was, and there will continue to be.

The little female hummingbird, "Betty", has been been frequenting the feeder. Yesterday I was standing by the feeders and I could hear the little wings--I looked up and she was right there on the feeder very close to me. Then she flew over to me and kind of hovered. I'm not kidding. I like to think it was Mom saying hello.

Hopefully, painting will get started tomorrow on the dining room and hallway.

I have begun to question again why Dad was driving when he had been passing out. WHY??? Why didn't he let Mom drive to Jasper that day? We will never know what happened, and that makes me crazy. Every time I see a Buick La Sabre, it reminds me of them and that car.

I noticed today that things keep moving forward and changing. Already since the last time Mom and Dad went to St. Paul's, things have changed. I'm feeling better about changing and moving on. It is just life. But...I still miss them terribly.

Love, Susie

We got the results from the auction. The most disappointing thing was Mom's organ. Her organ, which they paid $13,000 for in 1999, sold for...drum roll please...$30. Yep, that's THIRTY dollars. He told us that they don't sell well and boy was he right. Man. That made me cry. Something she loved so much went for nothing. But we had to do something with it. I had called organ dealers, checked ebay and other auction sites. Nobody wants them. Even if we had run an ad in the paper, I doubt if we would have gotten anything for it. The Emmett Kelly figures went for $97 for all. Bird plates went for $65. This old crappy guitar that I bought 20 years ago and paid $100 for new, went for $50. Go figure. Anyway, that is done. The stuff we wanted gone is gone. Tomorrow we are having some more painting done--in the dining room and entry way. New carpet in the basement in Oct. Movers coming tomorrow to attempt to move Mom and Dad's huge new bedroom furniture upstairs to my bedroom. Don't know if it can be done.

Last night I was alone at the house for about an hour or so and it felt strange. I know I'll get used to it, but it didn't feel right. There was a time when I loved to be alone in the house. But then, later on, I didn't like it. I used to hate when they went on trips and I was always afraid I'd get this call telling me they'd been in an accident. Does everybody do that? I don't know. I would never feel OK until they were home safe and sound--even if they were just going to Bloomington or something. I always made Mom call me when they got home. I worried about them.

Finally got around to cleaning out some of Mom's dresser drawers and going through her jewelry. This was hard. I don't wear jewelry but I will keep some of it. Bev took a leaf pin. That's what she said she wanted. Mom kept all the itineraries and vacation info. from all their trips it seems. Got rid of those, but wrote down the dates and where they went. Then there are the pictures. Loads and loads of pictures. I'll just have to go through those at another time. I can't do pictures right now. I need a break. I will keep the pictures of them and other people, but most likely discard all the "scenery" shots. Just can't keep all that stuff. I kept Mom's cedar chest, but now I'm wondering if I should have. It won't go back in the attic now that we've made that new door, so it will have to stay in my bedroom. I'm afraid after we get all that furniture up there, there won't be room.

I am still having trouble dealing with this. I can accept that people die and they would have died eventually. I'm having trouble with the suddenness, losing both and the horrible way it happened. I get in trouble if I let myself think too much about it. If I am ever going to get through this, I need to focus on the present. Not the past. They would not want us to be miserable and depressed. They would want us to move on. But I still miss them so very much.

Love,

Susie