It has been a beautiful day here. Sunny and in the 80's. Mom and Dad would've been working in the yard or just relaxing on the patio or front porch. I went over again today to go through some things. A lot of times I am drawn to Mom's little Day Planners where she kept notes every day. A year ago on this Sunday, they went to Mass at St. Paul's and had soup at Olive Garden. In the afternoon, they went for a walk at Otis Park and I went with them. It was a nice day, like this one. I remember it, I think, because I didn't go walking with them at Otis very often. Mom took her binoculars as usual and she wrote in her notes that we saw an Oriole. Mom and Dad went walking at Otis a lot. They took Hoss out there, too and let him run when they had him.  I just got off the phone with Uncle Bill, Aunt Pat and my cousin, Barbara. It was good talking to them. I still think of Mom and Dad every day. I miss them every day. Tonight I sat at the kitchen table and cried. They should be there. I can sometimes imagine them there. I try to picture them there walking around, at the table, fixing supper.

 

I found some old pictures of Mom tonight. Some were taken at the Employment Office where she worked. Probably some time in the 80's. There were also a bunch of pictures taken of this little robin we kept for about a week in July, 1984. This little robin had fallen from the nest. Mom was afraid a cat would get it, so she put it in this little plastic box on a ladder. We fed it berries and worms. Believe it or not, the parents came and started feeding it. At night she put it in the shed so it would be safe. Then she'd get it out the next morning and the leave it up on the ladder in this box so the parents could feed it. This went on for about a week and then one time the baby bird flew out of the box. As much as we didn't want to, we had to let it go...the parents were watching it and feeding it, etc. Pretty neat. That little robin was sort of what got Mom (and me) interested in birds. From then on, we noticed them and Joe got Mom a bird identification book at some point. All of a sudden we noticed every bird and what it was. I'd never paid much attention to birds before. I remember seeing Cedar Waxwings in our tree out back. Never saw them again there. Mom would put a check mark in her bird book next to each bird she saw with the date and where she saw it. I remember going to Joe's in Leavenworth and watching birds. Joe really got Mom interested. She would really get excited about seeing a new kind. Joe had lots of cool birds where he lived on the Ohio River. Mom loved to go down there and birdwatch. They were supposed to go to see the Cranes with Joe and Judy in March. Mom would've loved that.

 

It is hard for me now to hear birds. They remind me of Mom. I told her I'd feed her birds for her when I said goodbye, so I will always do so.

 

Love,

 

Susie

I had to work today, Sunday. Usually when I worked, Susan and I'd go over to Mom and Dad's after we got off and have dinner.  Not ever Sunday I worked, but most of them.

As I may have said before, I  think, I was supposed to work the weekend of their accident. When Mom and I had talked on the phone that morning, she had motioned coming over Sunday. Dad was going to make vegetable soup. She asked if rolls and that and salad would be enough--something like that. I said that would be fine. We didn't have a very long conversation. I keep thinking about all the food made by them I'll never have again. Things they made that I enjoyed. Dad's vegetable soup, chili and Sloppy Joe's. Mom's cheesecake, cherry pie, pumpkin pie, stew, round steak, roast and potatoes. All the various potato dishes Mom had. She made her own spaghetti sauce and it was very good. Never could find any store bought sauce that even came close. Something I DIDN'T like was chipped beef. It was dried corned beef or something in a cream sauce. Dad called it "sh*t on a shingle". I hated it growing up but finally got used to it. Always liked Mom's tuna fish. It never tasted "fishy". It was always really good. Mom served stew a lot. It was one of Joe's favorites and she made it a lot when he came for dinner. Found some frozen persimmon pulp in the freezer. Mom made her own for her persimmon pudding. I know I'm missing a lot. I'll remember them later.

 

Tonight Susan and I went to the house and cleaned out some stuff. Just a little. Just taking it a little at a time. We cleaned out some of Dad's stuff in the basement. He had saved maps from every trip they'd taken--all from AAA. Some travel books--outdated or I'd take them to the library. Some magazines, catalogs, etc. from 1991. Several pairs of old black gloves! Why he saved them, I don't know. Found a church directory--can't find a year, but I think it was 1977 or 1978. I sort of remember it. We only stayed a half hour. But it is a start. More tomorrow.

 

I've been going to an Adult Bereavement group at the Bloomington Hospital. I think it is helping some. Helps to talk to other people who have gone through losing a loved one--makes me feel not so alone. I know other people go through this. Death--no matter how it happens--is a traumatic event for the survivors. I guess I'm still having trouble accepting it. I know they are gone, but I just can't accept it. Can't wrap my mind around it. They aren't coming back. I'll never see them again. Never hear their voices again. Sometimes I have this longing--like I just want to talk to them one more time. If only I could have them back for a few minutes....

 

Love,

 

Susie

 

  
 

 

 

I'm worried about Mom's plants. I didn't realize there were freeze warnings and forgot to cover some of them like the azaleas. Last night Susan and I went to cover them up; this morning I went to uncover them. Tonight we went back to cover them again. I hope I'm not too late. They have little blooms on them. I hope they haven't been frozen.

 

I decided to fill Mom's bird feeder. I had to stand on a milk crate to reach the feeder and of course I fell off.

I can't believe she never hurt herself trying to feed these birds! Not sure why the feeder is up so high.

 

I told her I'd take care of her birds, so I will continue to do so.

 

Susie

HAPPY EASTER, MOM AND DAD

Yesterday was Easter. The first holiday without Mom and Dad. We would've gone to church with them at 830 in Mitchell, where Father Jonathan was saying Mass. Even though they went to St. Paul's most of the time, they went to Bedford or Mitchell if Father Jonathan was here. One year a few years ago, Dad served at Mass in Mitchell. They didn't have any servers, so Dad and another man served. It was really a neat thing. We would've gone over there for dinner later in the day. Nothing fancy. Last year we had grilled chicken. Might've been too cold to do that this year.

Susan and I went down to Jasper to see John and his new dog, "Spidey". The dog will have a new name soon. He's letting the school kids name him. John has done really well with the new dog. Mom would have been proud of him.

We had to drive by the accident site on the way to John's. Then again on the way home. On the way home I kept thinking, these were the last things they ever saw. I still can't believe it. One minute you are just driving along, the next you are gone. It was strange being at John's house without them. It just didn't feel right. Two people were missing. I was never there without them, I don't think. Then going out to eat without them was strange, too. I was never in Jasper visiting John without them.
When I saw John open his door and the new dog run out, it was strange. It should've been little Hoss running out and Mom and Dad should've been getting out of the car to greet him. How many times did I ride in the car with Mom and Dad going to go visit John. I would've driven them, but Dad always wanted to drive.

I always felt this comforting feeling riding in the back seat with them in the front--like when I was a little kid going somewhere with them. I'll never have that feeling again. Never sit in the back seat and watch Mom fixing her hair in the visor mirror. Sometimes she would look at me in the mirror and we'd smile at each other. When we were kids, Mom used to like to have her neck rubbed when we were in the car. I'm not sure how this got started, but we'd sit behind her in the back seat and rub her neck. Sometimes she liked to have her hair combed, too. I remember doing that.

The last time I went somewhere with them was in November--on the way to John's. That was the annual trip to Evansville to Christmas shop. When John lived in Evansville all those years, Mom and Dad would go down every year and take John Christmas shopping. When he moved to Jasper, they continued to make the trip to Evansville to shop each year. This year, Susan and I went with them. We ate at Biaggis--this really good Italian restaurant in Evansville that Mom and Dad really liked. Went to Shoe Carnival (Mom and Dad both bought new shoes), the mall and Donut Bank. They always went to the Donut Bank and Shoe Carnival. Dad and John bought identical shoes. Mom bought new black shoes. They were SAS. She liked that brand. She had hardly worn them. We buried her in those shoes.

Susie

I thought of Dad last night. I would've gone over to watch the NCAA Tourney final game with him. He probably would've wanted Ohio State since they were Big 10. He would've sat in his chair by the window in the living room and worked one of his crosswords while the game was on. Mom would've been in her room watching TV. Maybe she would've watched the game with us since CSI wasn't on.

We got a new little Dachshund on Friday. She only weighs 5 lbs! She is so tiny and cute. I wish Mom and Dad could've seen her. I think they would've liked her. She looks like Sophie (black and tan) but she also has some silver dapple spots on her. She needs some help with house training. I bet Mom could've trained her in no time. One week at "Betty Boot Camp" and she would've been trained. Mom trained Sophie and to this day, she is the best dog regarding being housebroken.


Love,

Susie