Christmas has come and gone. I have not written much because...well, I'm not sure. Maybe it would have just been too hard. Christmas was, for me, about Mom and Dad. Yes, it was the rest of my family, too, but to me, it was Mom and Dad. I loved to buy gifts for them, although, they were hard to buy for. I ended up sort of recycling ideas. For Dad it was candy, gift certificates to golf stores, books, golf related stuff, Hickory Farms. But what I enjoyed most was the look on his face as he opened stuff. He was still a kid--even in his 80's. He would get excited about some small little gift--like last year the the calendar towel. He love those things!

Mom was easier. Most of the time I had gone shopping with her and I'd get some ideas. I remember last year trekking all over Bloomington trying to find this little Santa ornament from Hallmark. Only one store had any left. She had picked it up and almost bought it, but changed her mind. Little things like that. Last year on Christmas Eve, Susan, Mom and I went shopping at Backyards and Gardens and Mom bought some little ornaments for her miniature Christmas tree. I will never forget that. And, last year when we went Christmas shopping in Indianapolis, I bought her a blue sweater that she picked out. I will never forget her trying it on and how we talked about what she would wear with it. It looked nice on her--matched her blue eyes. She never got to wear it. It is what we buried her in. I almost always got her a Poinsettia and a box of chocolate covered cherries. She loved those.

Today, I was working at the reference desk and a lady called with a question. After I had helped her with it, she said, "Do you know someone who works there, the man's name was Paul and he and his wife died in a car crash about a year ago..." So I told her that was me and she went on to say that she was a nurse at Crowder's and Dad would come in and get his blood pressure checked after he played golf. She said he was such a nice man and he would sit and chat with her if she wasn't busy. He told her his daughter worked at the library and he bragged about Mom's organ playing. She said she had met Mom, too. She got kind of choked up and said when she read that in the paper she was just heartbroken.

I like hearing stories like that from people.

I miss you Mom and Dad.

Love,

Susie

Last night, Steve Kopp had his annual Christmas Party. He lives up the street. Mom and Dad usually went, and Steve was telling us last night that Dad would show up in the afternoon sometime and offer to help fix stuff for the party! I had no idea. Steve said he'd help him chop up stuff or do whatever. Who knew! Steve said Dad really liked coming to the party. I love when people tell me stuff like this.

Yesterday, John had Mass at St. Vincents. I couldn't help but get weepy. I knew Mom and Dad would be so proud of him. They'd love it that he had Mass there. They were so proud of John. It meant everything to them that their son was a priest. At the end of Mass, John thanked Susan and I for our support and for moving into Mom and Dad's house. That made me weepy, too. That was totally unexpected.

The more I live in the house, the more I like being there. I liked being where they were. You need a pencil? Open the drawer and there are all of Dad's little mechanical pencils still there. I'm using Mom's "foaming face wash" in the shower and some of her Bath and Body lotion. We've been eating things from the freezer they had. I still think of Dad at night when I take Greta for a walk. I think of him walking and praying his rosary. Sometimes they don't seem so far away.

I finally threw out Mom's rollers this weekend. I kept a couple. I got rid of Dad's old crossword dictionary, too. It was dirty from newsprint and he had used it so much it had come apart. I got him a new one in 2005, I think, and he had never used it! Same exact one that he had. Oh, well. I kept that one. Maybe I'll get into crosswords some day.

I'm a little worried about the birds. I had not fed them for a while and I put out food Friday night and they have not returned. Mom's birds were sort of like that, though. They would disappear for days and then come back. I put out this huge thistle sak that I think Joe and Judy got her one year. She had not used it. She liked the regular finch feeders, but I like the the saks.
I hope they come.

Love you Mom and Dad.

Suse

My earliest memories of music being played in our house was Mom playing Christmas music. Back then it was the Goodyear Christmas albums with various artists and performers, Perry Como, and an all time favorite, Fred Waring and the Pennsylvanians, "Twas the Night Before Christmas". I LOVED listening to these albums. I remember Mom singing along with the New Christy Minstrels and "We need a Little Christmas" and Ray Connif's "Frosty the Snowman". Another favorite of hers was "O Holy Night" by Andy Williams. I used to play it on the organ for her. She also liked "Little Altar Boy" by Glenn Campbell. A few years ago I finally found a digital copy of some of the Fred Waring songs and made a copy for Mom and Dad. I remember last year they said they listened to it while going to Bloomington one day and they really, really enjoyed it. That one song always made me cry, but now it will even more. Back in the '80's, I introduced them to the Mannheim Steamroller Christmas CDs. I'm not sure they liked all of it, but I know they liked some of it and I made copies of them to take in the car with them. One of Mom's all time favorite songs was "Greensleeves." There is a beautiful version of this song on the "A Fresh Aire Christmas" CD. Mom really liked it. It always made me cry and now it surely will. Dad liked Bing Crosby and Nat King Cole. I bought him some of their Christmas CDs and one night I went over there and he was in the basement listening to Nat King Cole. He really liked music, but didn't play it often. He liked Classical music, too. (Mom would always tell him to turn that "longhair" music down.) :-) That was one thing that Dad and I could share a little--our love of music.

I'm rambling. I'm just missing them a lot today.

Love,

Susie

I got the sad news this week that Duchess, Joe and Judy's little Dachshund, had to be put down. She was over 15 years old and in failing health. I felt that, to honor her and all the other previous Dachsies in our lives, I would post these pictures. We love/loved our Dachsies very much. They were always a part of any family celebration we had. These pictures were taken December 26, 2005. Sophie and Duchess had been around for years--but now we had two new Dachsies in the family--Hoss and Gimli. Hoss was John's dog and Gimli belonged to Jonna and Dave. I was so excited about the prospect of having four Dachshunds together at once! Snaps to Judy for getting all of the wieners their own Santa hats and scarves! A Kodak moment if ever I saw one. These pictures represent one of the happiest Christmas memories I have--all of us laughing and acting silly--even Mom and Dad. I will treasure this always. Last year, Mom was not feeling well and not up to her usual self. But in 2005, we had such a great time.

Sadly, with the passing of Duchess, none of the Dachsies in the picture are still with us. Gimli died in 2006; Sophie in June of this year. Hoss died with Mom and Dad in the accident.

Mom and Dad loved the dogs as much as any of us. They got such a kick out of them. Mom liked sitting for her "grand dogs" and Dad loved throwing them treats. For some reason he called them all "Coon"...

I knew the moment was special when we took the pictures. Now I know just how special it really was. We miss all of you!

Love, Susie

My birthday was Nov. 24th. I went out to eat with Susan, John, Bob and Bev. Then we had cake at Bob and Bev's house. John bought me a decorated cake. That was nice. It was nice of everybody to try and make it a special day for me. Still, it was strange not seeing Mom and Dad on this day. Just another one of those days that just won't ever be quite the same again.

I haven't written for a while. A lot of things have happened since I wrote last--mainly, Susan and I finally moved into Mom and Dad's house on I Street. Moving Day was November 27th. We moved Susan's couch, a reclinder, her bookcases, my bookcase, my dresser and chest of drawers, a TV, a table, some storage cabinets, end tables and some boxes of stuff. We still have some odds and ends there to pick up. Some stuff we are leaving to sell later. We moved on Tuesday and Friday I got sick and was sick all that weekend. Some flu/stomach thing. We have both been under the weather. So, needless to say, there are still boxes everywhere. But we're in. Fritzi and Greta don't seem to mind at all. They just want to be where we are.

I have mixed feelings about the house. Oh, I definitely love the house--always have. It is "my" house. I grew up there. But it is strange being there and living there without them there. It almost feels like I'm house sitting while they are on vacation and they'll be back any minute. I still have not dealt with Mom's stuff in the bathroom. This is her rollers, hairpins, etc. The rollers are in this little oval shaped plastic white container she has had this thing for years. Sometimes I just pick it up and rattle it and it reminds me of her. This was her nightly ritual. When I hear that cabinet door under the sink, I automatically think of her going in there every night to roll her hair. She'd stand there with the water running and roll her hair up. I guess she had to get it wet or something. She'd be in her robe and "scuffs". She may not roll it all at once--if there was a TV show on she was watching, she would do it during commercial breaks. Mom's hair was a big deal to her. She was always combing it and messing with it. So I need to do something with her hair stuff. Either get rid of it or save it, but it needs to be moved so we can put our stuff in there.

We turned their old bedroom into a Family Room. It is working out OK. Kind of small, but there's enough room in there for a couch and chair and TV, two people and two Dachshunds. It's kind of our "hang out" room. We'll see how it works out. Mom had just had it painted blue. Probably not the color we'd pick for a Family Room, but it's OK. No need to paint it again so soon. There's a little heater thing plugged into the outlet right by the basement door that Mom had forever. When it comes on, I think of her in her chair and me sitting on the floor or on her bed watching TV or talking. Another one of those "sounds" that reminds of me Mom or just being in that room.

We had our lawn guy do the leaves and gutters. Last year was the first year Dad had not climbed on the ladder and done the gutters himself. It is not easy to do on this house. I'm glad he didn't do it last year. We'll probably never do the gutters ourselves, but hopefully next year we can do the leaves. Mom and Dad always raked their leaves and Dad would burn them even though it is against city regulations to do so anymore. He'd just burn small piles at a time instead of the huge massive pile we used to burn when I was a kid. This was so Dad. Nobody was going to tell him he couldn't burn leaves on his property if he wanted to! Besides, I think he liked doing it. Maybe that's where I get my pyromania tendencies from.

Now when I take Greta out for a walk at night over there I think of Dad walking those streets every night saying his rosary. He would always disappear at some point at night for a little while and I did not until later he was saying the rosary. Last year about this time, he fell up by the church one night and busted his lip. He said he blacked out and/or tripped on the curb. We talked about him not walking after dark anymore and agreed he shouldn't. Ironically, on that same day, Mom had tripped over a curb at the library and fallen. That's when she broke her finger. She had just been in to see me about something and Dad was waiting for her in the car. They both fell on the same day. I remember joking with them and telling them I wasn't going to let them leave the house anymore.

Again, back to the mixed feelings. I want so much to love this house and be happy here. But I'm also having feelings like maybe I'll never be able to move on if I have constant, daily reminders of them. It will get better I hope. After all, it has only been a little over a week.

But, I am proud to once again be living at 1908 I Street.

Love you, Mom and Dad.

Susie

Thanksgiving

This year, Thanksgiving was on November 22nd. John and I went to our cousin's house in Greenwood. It was very nice and I will be forever grateful to my cousin, Theresa, and her family. I think they day would have been hard for me. This is the first Thanksgiving I've never been with Mom and Dad. Sounds hard to believe, but it is true.When I was in college and when I lived in Woodridge, IL, I came home every year for Thanksgiving. When I was a kid, Mom and Dad would fix the Thanksgiving meal for Granny (Mom's mother), Aunt Bea and Uncle Check, Aunt Opal and, of course Joe, Judy, John and myself. At one point, Uncle Check could not drive anymore, so they did not come up from Louisville. Later, Jeff and Jonna were added. By last year, it was just me, John and Susan along with Mom and Dad. But they still made turkey every year, with mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing, cranberry salad, rolls, asparagus and sometimes sweet potatoes. When we were kids, Joe loved that cranberry sauce from a can. Sometimes Mom would make it later just to kid him. Mom used to make the turkey by herself, but in later years Dad helped her. Dad would carve it. Last year they just made a small turkey breast. I thought some day I would have to start doing some cooking, but Mom and Dad weren't to that point yet and they liked doing it. Mom would make a pumpkin pie and pecan pie or cherry pie. Sometimes my birthday fell on Thanksgiving Day. When that happened, she would make a chocolate cake for me.
Afterwards, we would all gather in the living room and watch a movie together. Dad wasn't much of a movie person. Sometimes he would watch it, but usually he would be up and down throughout.

Mom's pumpkin pie was my favorite. I loved it. I had pumpkin pie this year, but it was not the same as Mom's.

Miss you Mom and Dad.

Love,

Susie

Happy Birthday, Dad

Today would have been Dad's 84th birthday. This is a picture taken last year on this day. I like it because Dad looks good and you can see Mom in the background. Birthdays were always a big deal for Dad. He ALWAYS took a picture of you on your birthday and frequently we went out to eat and celebrate. On his birthday, his brothers would call him. Uncle Bill would always sing to him.

My friend, Kim Wheeler, left me a card this morning encouraging me to remember what a good man he was and to remember all the good times.

One story I'd like to share is from two years ago. Dad got this card in the mail from Sam's Club letting him know he could get a free birthday cake from the bakery. So here's this 82 year old man, all excited about getting his cake. You should have seen him running through Sam's. Well, not really running, but he was in a hurry to get to that bakery and pick out his cake! It was so cute and one of those lovable things about Dad. He loved birthdays. Whenever we would sing Happy Birthday to him, he would sing along too! Mom used to say, "You're not supposed to sing for your own birthday!!!" But he always did and again, it was one of those endearing things about him.

I always tried to make it a special day for him. Pictures, card, cake, gifts. I wanted him to feel loved and appreciated because he was. I used to get Dad funny cards, but then, later I got him more sentimental ones. When we were going through their things, I found some of these that he had kept. That really meant a lot to me.

Happy Birthday, Dad. We love you and miss you.

Susie

Today is Halloween. I can't remember if Mom and Dad had candy for the kids last year. I think they were gone, maybe. But in the past, they had candy for the trick-or-treaters. Although it was usually just tootsie rolls or dum-dum suckers, they DID do something. I guess they liked seeing the kids. I used to tease Mom about the fact they would only give them "one" tootsie roll each (and these there the tiny ones!), and she'd say, "Those kids go all over town. They get enough candy!" She was right. I Street usually got hit hard. People would come in from the county and drop their kids off in carloads. When we were kids, Dad would get a pumpkin and carve it. He even did this for me when I was in college (and maybe even when I lived there after college. ) His Jack-O-Lantern's always looked the same. They had triangle eyes and nose; a few teeth. He'd take a black crayon and draw it on first, then cut it precisely in his engineer way. He'd draw lines down the pumpkin to make sure the eyes and everything were exactly straight and centered. Then he'd put a can cut in half in there for the candle. It would sit on this black wrought iron table we had on the front porch. One time Mom bought a red devil costume for me. This is what I had wanted. I can't remember any other store bought costumes. We usually just threw things we had together to make a costume. That's all I remember.

When I was a kid, Mom used to buy Brach's Mellowcremes this time of year. It got so that we had to buy it every year. It had to be Brach's. It had pumpkins, moons, black cats, bats, corn, haystacks, jugs, cat faces... maybe some others. It tastes like candy corn pretty much, but the yellow ones had sort of a lemony flavor and the brown ones a chocotatly flavor. The jugs had a maple flavor. It is hard to find that assortment anymore. You can buy candy corn and pumpkins, but that's about it. Mom wasn't really into sweets that much, but she liked this candy. I looked for it this year, but haven't found any, so I'm settling for candy corn. I'm on my second bag so far...

October is my favorite month (but not so much this year). I love the fall colors. Mom and I went to Nashville and Brown County every year in October. We went every year probably since sometime in the late 80’s. When I lived in Chicago those two years, I would come back home in October so we could go. It was just Mom and me. We would go to Nashville first and shop and eat lunch at the Hob Nob or The Ordinary. There were certain stores we always went to: The Olde Bartley House, Trilogy Gallery, the Art Barn (when Bruce Humes was still alive and painting), Village Candlemaker, For Bare Feet, Lawrence Glass Blowers, The Alley Shoppe, Caramel Corn Cottage, Mainstreet, and another shop on the main street that I can’t remember the name of—she usually bought something in there. I’ll have to think about the name.

The Olde Bartley House: she bought potpourri in there, a gift for Joe and Judy once. She loved Bruce Humes’ paintings. She had 4 in the living room and one time she bought me one, so now I have 5. Even if she wasn’t in the market to buy, she always wanted to go to the art barn and look at his stuff. We always went to the Trilogy, but rarely bought anything! We just liked to look at the stuff. It was kind of pricey but really neat furniture and decorations. One time she did buy me this woven footstool and I still have it and use it daily. Right now it is in my bedroom and I sit on it to put my shoes on. Not sure where it will go in the “new” house, but I will definitely use it somewhere. She bought it for me when I was living in Bloomington in my apartment, so that would have been around 1990. We always stopped in the Village Candlemaker, and she almost always bought something. A candle, votive holder, tea lights, decorative “candle ring” (she had lots of those)—stuff like that. But she almost always bought something. She bought me a red, stained glass votive holder in there once. I still have it. Don’t remember buying much in the Alley Shoppe except little Dachshund figures. They used to have a section just for dog stuff, and it became a thing for her to buy something “Dachshund” for me in there. Now I have all these little Dachshund figures. I liked For Bare Feet for the same reason—they have dog stuff. Socks, pillows, etc. Last year when Mom and I went, I bought this little stuffed Dachshund and some tiny Dachsie socks for Maggie. Mom and Dad were going up for Maggie’s baptism, and I wanted Mom to take them to her. Mom didn’t go in the store that time. She waited outside on a bench. I remember coming out and showing the stuffed dog. Then there was the Glass Blowers Shop. She almost always bought glass Christmas ornament in there. She really liked those. I can really only remember one time when she didn’t buy one. When she made a purchase, she would keep the receipt or business card and write on there what she bought so she would remember the next time where to get it. I always had to buy caramel corn at the Caramel Corn Cottage. ALWAYS. It was my thing. They make the best caramel corn I have ever had and I only get it once a year. And, we almost always bought fudge somewhere—most recently at the Sweetwater Gallery, I believe. We would buy fudge to take home to Dad, who took care of Sophie while we were gone.

Now that I think about it, Mom wasn’t feeling very well last year. The prednisone was making her tired and we didn’t go until later in the day because she always had pain in the mornings from the PMR. I thought maybe she wouldn’t want to go, but she did. I am so glad. But because of all this, we didn’t stop in Brown County State Park on our way home. We had done so in the past, but we decided we’d just do it “next year”. The year before, I think, we had visited places in there we hadn’t before. We went to Ogle Lake and Strahl Lake and walked around. It was a beautiful day and took pictures. Mom bought a pass each year to the State Parks. She loved to whip that thing out so we didn’t have to pay. Usually, though we would just drive around and look at the scenic views.

By this time it would be around 4:00 or so, the sun starting to go down, so we would head to Bloomington. We would eat somewhere (Red Lobster, Mark Pei, Olive Garden) and maybe do some more shopping at the Mall, Target, Osco. Whatever we felt like. We didn’t have an agenda. Our agenda was just to spend the day together. We always had a good time. I would always drive. I liked driving her and taking care of her. She would have to get her “pillow” out of the La Sabre so she could sit up higher, and every time I had to hear how I didn’t have a trash can in the car. I would always clean out the car, though, the night before and maybe even wash it so it would be nice for her. We would get home about 7:00 or 8:00 (usually later!) and if Dad heard us, he’d come out on the front porch while we got Mom’s bags and things out of the car. He’d look at his watch and say, “Hell’s Fire!” like my God, what had we been doing all day and what all did Mom buy? But he was just playing. Then we would go in and show him what we bought. We always bought some kind of sweet treat for him. I’d say it was his reward for taking care of Sophie all day. Mom would usually forget that pillow and I’d have to take it in to her.

This year, I will not be going to Nashville. Aside from being too busy with the house and moving, I’m just not up to it. It will never be the same again and I am afraid I would miss her so much this time. It was such an event for us. I might try it next year. This is the 13^th. We would probably be going this week, as we liked to go over there during the peak of fall color. Last year we went on October 10th. We always went during the week—too crowded on the weekends. I would take a vacation day. I always wanted it be perfect when we went. Mom would watch the weather and pick a good day. Only one time I can remember it raining. A few times it was cold. But usually, it was a beautiful Fall day and we enjoyed the weather and each other’s company.

I miss you so very much, Mom.

Love,

Susie

Today is Maggie's 1st birthday. I remember when she was born. Mom and Dad were great grandparents! How cool is that. They went up for her baptism and we have lots of neat pictures---Mom holding her and Dad holding her with Joe and Jonna. What great pictures. I am so glad they got to experience this.

Every time I think I am finished going through their things, something else needs to be done. Today I emptied Mom's little nightstand she had sitting next to her blue chair in her bedroom. She had the TV on top. There were two drawers to empty. I had been putting this one off. This was her stuff. She kept her journals here and wrote in them everyday. She had been keeping track of what she'd been eating, her weight and how much prednisone she was taking. She'd been writing this on a little yellow notepad. There was an entry made on Feb. 9--the morning of the accident. This stuff was hard. I cried more than I have cried recently. The tears wouldn't stop. This was was the personal, daily stuff. It was like she was still here, writing these things down. She lived in that blue chair! That was her spot. She watched the morning news there, the evening news and whatever shows she liked. When I'd go over at night to visit, that's where she would be. Sometimes drying her hair, or rolling it up while she watched TV. She had been writing in these little journals since the 80's. Before she used a day planner, she just used notebooks. Although I have looked at them before, I could not today. Just packed them away for another time. She kept notes on some books she'd read. Lots of notepads, pencils, pens, post-its, and post-it "flags". In one notebook, she wrote down what she'd served at organ club, now much she made and how much was left over! She did this several years in a row. Guess she was trying to figure out what how much to serve next time. Also found a partially used book of .29 cent hummingbird stamps from I think 1991. And, of course, the always present used dental floss "pick"! On top of the nightstand was her TV, a candle holder I believe she got in Ireland, the TV remote, some hand lotion and her small battery powered clock. She had a little bookshelf type thing behind her chair and on that she kept the phone, bird books, a small lamp, Bird Watcher's Digest in binders on the lower shelf. There was a hanging swag lamp over the chair that we sold in the auction. That had been there for years.

She also had several binders, file folders and two accordion type file things full of landscaping info. Stuff she'd printed out on the Internet, gotten out of magazines, etc. on various plants and flowers and landscaping info. One accordion file had all the little plant "tags" that had come with each plant. There tons of these! She must have saved every one. Some had receipts attached--I guess so she would know when she got them and from where they came. Several receipts from various landscapers when they had work done. Pictures of the yard at various stages of development. I had not realized she'd been working on her yard since the late 80's. There were pictures of the yard when they got the fence done and there was no landscaping. That was neat to see. She loved her yard and wanted to make it pretty. She loved all the different plants. You couldn't go over there without her taking you on a walk around the yard pointing out what was new, what was doing well and what wasn't. Some of the plant/flower names I remember and some I don't. They came and went over the years. There was one hosta named "Paul's Glory". I thought that was neat. I need to find out what it looks like to see if it is still over there. There are so many different types of hostas. The sad thing was that I did not realize Mom had kept all this stuff and was so meticulous about it. I knew she printed out stuff, but I had no idea she had saved all this stuff. Saving receipts and stapling them to the little tags--sounds like something Dad would do! Maybe all those years living together had worn off on her. Or maybe that wasn't it at all--maybe she was just that way all along.

I miss my mom. She loved her plants and her birds. I filled up the hummingbird feeder again today as the little female is really coming a lot. I really cannot fill that up and not think of Mom.
Today she also had a nuthatch, two titmice, several sparrows and goldfinches, a chickadee, cardinals and some other bird I need to identify. The little sparrows line up on the fence. It is cute. Also a squirrel or two. Susan dug up three seedums from the library to replace the two arborvitae and something else that didn't live this summer. (The library is re-doing their stuff and the plants were "up for grabs".) The arborvitae didn't look good last year and Mom wasn't very happy with them. This year they just didn't make it. Every time I fill up the feeders or birdbath I think of Mom. I miss her very much.

Love,

Susie

Went to St. Paul's in Bloomington today for Mass. Haven't done that since probably February or March. Mom and Dad loved St. Paul's. They went every weekend unless the weather was bad. Today we had Fr. Stan. They always had to tell you who had the Mass they attended. Of course, they really liked Fr. Rich, who had their funeral. They've made some changes at St. Paul's. When we arrived, there was a basket in every pew. At the collection, everybody put in their money and passed the baskets to the center. Then whoever ended up with the basket took it up and dumped their basket into a bigger one which Father was holding. Interesting. Kind of neat. I liked it. I'm sure Mom and Dad would've had something to say about. If Dad didn't bring it up, I would have. I liked talking church stuff with him. We didn't really have much to talk about, so I would look for things that I knew interested him. Another thing we talked about was football. While we were at the restaurant, an NFL game was on the TV. It made me think of Dad. Football will always make me think of Dad. I loved watching football with him. We'd done this for years. I used to watch a lot of Monday Night Football with him. Then they started having games on Sunday nights and I'd go over and watch those. Last year, I tried to watch the Colts with him as much as I could. The last game I watched with him was when the Colts won the Super Bowl. I will never forget that Sunday. We went over and had dinner with them and watched the game--even Mom watched. It was Feb. 4, 2007. It was the last time I was with them at the house. They were gone 5 days later. I kept this little playoff bracket thing Dad had cut out of the newspaper. He'd written the Colts in and the date the won.

This past Friday, movers came and moved Mom and Dad's bedroom set upstairs to my room. We weren't sure it was going to fit--but it did. It looks good in there. Better than I thought it would. Their old bedroom furniture went to Susan's room. So that is done. Their old bedroom is empty. Don't think I've ever seen it empty. We are going to make it a family room.

I was excited after they moved the furniture. Excited...and sad. I'm ready to start over and get moved. But all of this makes me sad. Every day something makes me cry. Today I was cleaning out Mom's dresser and found one of the little table runners she had quilted. She had just started quilting a couple of years ago. She enjoyed it. Anyway, this made me cry. She used to like showing me what she was working on. She had lots of dish towels stored in her dresser for some reason. We won't have to buy dish towels for a long time! We cleaned out the remainder of their bedroom closet. I had saved some shirts to keep and I folded them and boxed them. I cried again. I kept some of Dad's ties and cardigan sweaters. I might wear the sweaters. Kept some of his flannel shirts. He only had a few. Kept his robe. I don't have a robe, so I'll wear this one. I can't wear Mom's. They are too small. I kept the purse Mom had with her in the accident. I kept a golf ball. I put it and an old golf tee in the cabinet on the back porch so I would see it every time I got in there. There has to be a golf ball and tee laying around somewhere. There always was, and there will continue to be.

The little female hummingbird, "Betty", has been been frequenting the feeder. Yesterday I was standing by the feeders and I could hear the little wings--I looked up and she was right there on the feeder very close to me. Then she flew over to me and kind of hovered. I'm not kidding. I like to think it was Mom saying hello.

Hopefully, painting will get started tomorrow on the dining room and hallway.

I have begun to question again why Dad was driving when he had been passing out. WHY??? Why didn't he let Mom drive to Jasper that day? We will never know what happened, and that makes me crazy. Every time I see a Buick La Sabre, it reminds me of them and that car.

I noticed today that things keep moving forward and changing. Already since the last time Mom and Dad went to St. Paul's, things have changed. I'm feeling better about changing and moving on. It is just life. But...I still miss them terribly.

Love, Susie

We got the results from the auction. The most disappointing thing was Mom's organ. Her organ, which they paid $13,000 for in 1999, sold for...drum roll please...$30. Yep, that's THIRTY dollars. He told us that they don't sell well and boy was he right. Man. That made me cry. Something she loved so much went for nothing. But we had to do something with it. I had called organ dealers, checked ebay and other auction sites. Nobody wants them. Even if we had run an ad in the paper, I doubt if we would have gotten anything for it. The Emmett Kelly figures went for $97 for all. Bird plates went for $65. This old crappy guitar that I bought 20 years ago and paid $100 for new, went for $50. Go figure. Anyway, that is done. The stuff we wanted gone is gone. Tomorrow we are having some more painting done--in the dining room and entry way. New carpet in the basement in Oct. Movers coming tomorrow to attempt to move Mom and Dad's huge new bedroom furniture upstairs to my bedroom. Don't know if it can be done.

Last night I was alone at the house for about an hour or so and it felt strange. I know I'll get used to it, but it didn't feel right. There was a time when I loved to be alone in the house. But then, later on, I didn't like it. I used to hate when they went on trips and I was always afraid I'd get this call telling me they'd been in an accident. Does everybody do that? I don't know. I would never feel OK until they were home safe and sound--even if they were just going to Bloomington or something. I always made Mom call me when they got home. I worried about them.

Finally got around to cleaning out some of Mom's dresser drawers and going through her jewelry. This was hard. I don't wear jewelry but I will keep some of it. Bev took a leaf pin. That's what she said she wanted. Mom kept all the itineraries and vacation info. from all their trips it seems. Got rid of those, but wrote down the dates and where they went. Then there are the pictures. Loads and loads of pictures. I'll just have to go through those at another time. I can't do pictures right now. I need a break. I will keep the pictures of them and other people, but most likely discard all the "scenery" shots. Just can't keep all that stuff. I kept Mom's cedar chest, but now I'm wondering if I should have. It won't go back in the attic now that we've made that new door, so it will have to stay in my bedroom. I'm afraid after we get all that furniture up there, there won't be room.

I am still having trouble dealing with this. I can accept that people die and they would have died eventually. I'm having trouble with the suddenness, losing both and the horrible way it happened. I get in trouble if I let myself think too much about it. If I am ever going to get through this, I need to focus on the present. Not the past. They would not want us to be miserable and depressed. They would want us to move on. But I still miss them so very much.

Love,

Susie

Today was the big day. The guys and the cargo trailer showed up around 1:00 to collect all of the stuff for the auction on Wednesday. The dining room was full of boxes and misc. items. They took Mom's Lowery Jamboree organ, the freezer, two chairs, and Dad's desk from the basement, the lawn mower Dad bought for me when I lived at T Street, other misc. items from the shed, lawn chairs.

I was OK for about 5 minutes, then I had to call John because I got emotional. We have kept so much of their stuff--it wasn't like we emptied the house. But still, it was hard to see some of their things go. Especially Mom's organ. But I didn't know what else to do with it. I tried Ebay and even called a Lowery dealer and they just don't sell. We wont' get much for it and that is too bad. I think it cost around $10,000 or something. It was purchased in 1999, I think, so not all that old. Mom played it some but she never liked it as much as she liked her Hammond organ.
But, more so recently, I had seen her play it quite a lot. I left the settings just the way she had them the last time she played it.

I don't know how long Dad's desk has been in the family. At least as long as I've been alive. His initials were scratched on the front drawer, so I don't know if this was done when he was a student or what. The freezer leaked some and the carpet was a little wet. We are getting new carpet anyway. They had to take the door off to get it out.

Anyway, it was, as I said, the big day. The dining room is now empty except for the table and chairs, the china cabinet and the liquor cabinet. They filled up the whole truck. Not packed to the top, but still.

I feel sad and happy. Sad to see their stuff go, but happy to get this past us and ready to move in and start over.

Susie

This is from Uncle Tom:

Yes, Mother's maiden name was Aydt, and yes her Mother's maiden name was Paul, first name, Mary, (we called her "Big grandma" as opposed to "Little grandma" because she was much larger physically than Dad's mother, a very tiny little woman. Her maiden name was Schmidt, and her first name, Sophia. Full names of our grandfathers were "Solomon Aydt" and "John Breidenbach". I have no memory of Grandpa Breidenbach cause he died when I was a baby. A family story was told to me that he lived long enough to see me, but had tears in his eyes when he held me in his arms. Grandpa Aydt I remember very well cause we actually visited our Mother's family in Dahlgren on a number of occasions. The house did not have plumbing and we all hated to have to use the "out house." And the water you drank in the house came out of a cistern which stored rain water and always tasted "funny." Grandpa Aydt was a grand old man, the "patriarch" of the town you might say. At times when the priest from a nearby town couldn't make it to Dahlgren for Sunday Mass, Grandpa would read the bible for the congregation, not from the sanctuary but from the choir loft, and the parishioners would call that "Solomon's Mass."

Aunt Marie's married name was Bourne, and her husband was Uncle Carl. No, Aunt Cecelia never married. She lived with little grandma until her death and then moved in with Aunt Marie. Of course, we kids always called both of them "Tanta", the german name for Aunt.............namely, "Tanta Marie" and "Tanta Ceal," and since neither of them had any children of their own, they "adopted" us four boys as their own. Of course, our Dad, whom they both called "Boy", was the youngest child in the family and their favorite "little brother." There were three older brothers, John, Martin and Joe, who all continued to live in Belleville till their deaths.

Thanks, Uncle Tom! Great stuff.

Love,

Susie

I wanted to share this from Uncle Joe:

"I have a story to share with you. Last week, Mary and I were up at
our cabin in Pine and, while sitting outside one morning, I heard
this unusual bird call. My first thought was to call Betty and let
her listen to it over the phone and tell me what it was. I did this
a coupla' years ago and she immediately identified it . . . over the
phone!

We think of you often and will always miss your Mom and Dad . . .
great, great people."


Thanks, Uncle Joe.

Love,

Susie

I had not put out any hummingbird feeders this year. I didn't want to put one out in Oolitic because it was right outside the kitchen window and everytime I saw a hummer on it, I would call Mom. I'd come home for lunch and call her just to tell her I had hummers. I always had more than she did. I couldn't bear to see one out there this year and not be able to call her. It has been so hot, too, I didn't put one out at I St. yet, either. But I told Mom I would take care of her birds, so today I took my feeder over there and filled it up. I seriously didn't think I would get any since I was putting it up so late, but Mom didn't get them until August usually, so I thought, why not.

Tonight after church Susan and I were sitting on the patio enjoying the dogs and the nice breeze. I happened to look over to the feeder--and sure enough, there was a little female hummer! The feeder had only been out a few hours and she had found it already. It made me happy...and then, sad. Susan and I both started crying. And Susan said, "It's your mom". I know that sounds corny, but I'd like to think it WAS Mom and she was saying, "Thank you, Susie, for taking care of my birds." Mom would've been so happy to have a hummer. And this one stayed quite a while.

Love,

Susie

We've got these creepy little crickets in the basement over at I St. We called them "spider-crickets" but I found out they are called camel crickets or cave crickets. I wonder if they had them before over there? I never remember seeing them. They look like spiders but with big bodies. They are quite large--around 1 inch. They are everywhere in the basement, up the stairs...and now I saw one in the living room. Ick! If they continue to get out of the basement, we may have to take drastic action to get rid of them.

Another new development: the mailbox. We found a letter in the mailbox this week informing us that since we are "new" tenants and the house has been "vacant" (???), that we are required by the postal service to move our mailbox to the sidewalk. HUH? OK, this pissed me off. Breidenbachs have lived in that house since the late 40's--I basically lived there off and on until 1996...I grew up there...and they tell me I'm "new" and I have to relocate the mailbox and put it on a poll in the front yard? In town? On a walking route? One of the things I was looking forward to over there was having the mail on the front porch. Where I live now, we have the roadside mailboxes and stuff is always getting wet and when something is too big for the box, they just put it on the ground! It got so that I was having stuff sent to Mom so it would be in a mailbox on a covered porch or left on the chair by the door. Also, how stupid is this going to look when I'm the ONLY one on the street with a box in the yard? And what about security issues? A box sitting on the sidewalk will be fair game to passersby. The letter said they are doing this so mail carriers don't fall on stairs or get bitten by dogs, etc. I understand that...but apparently it wasn't too dangerous to leave this letter in the box, was it? So they are going to deliver mail on the porch to the houses on either side, but not mine? Another thing, the house has not been vacant. We have continued to pay utilities and we are over there almost every day. It wasn't just sitting there rotting. It went straight from the estate to me. I don't consider that "new" owners. I'm going to talk to the Postmaster and see if he will reconsider.

(*&^%$ Just another thing to worry about and stress over. It is the principle of the thing that bugs me. Mom and Dad lived there for 50 years and NOW we have to move the box? That's our government at work!!!

Susie

When I look in the mirror, I see Dad. My hair, my eyes, my mouth. Everybody always said I looked like him. People I never met would come up to me and say, "You must be Paul Breidenbach's daughter". I liked that. Let's start with the hair. Having Breidenbach hair is not the greatest thing in the world. First, you have cowlicks all over your head. Second, on the left side, your hair grows forward. (Try having flybacks in the 80's--mine would never do anything I wanted it to do!) Third, your hair is thick. Mom's hair was thick, too. So put them together--I've had barbers/stylists tell me that I have enough hair for two people. My hair is like Joe's. One time somebody came up to me and said "You must be Joe's sister. I can tell by your hair." Seriously. John's is more like Mom's. Hers was thick but fine. Dad's was thick and coarse. So put Drehobl hair and Breidenbach hair together...not a good combo. That's one reason I wear mine as short as possible. Jeff, my nephew, got the Breidenbach hair, too. Hence--he shaves his head. My cousin, Mike Drehbol, shaves his head, too (or pretty close). You get the idea. Thick, German hair that has a mind of its own. John has the "Drehobl head". We all have the "square German head" but John's is more the shape of Mom's.

Next are the eyes. Dad had small brown eyes. That's what I have and Joe and John and...the list goes on. Poor Mom. She had pretty blue eyes but none of us got them. None of us really looked like Mom, although I, of course got her height and John resembles the Drehobl side in many ways. I think my face might be shaped a bit like hers. Nobody got Mom's little tiny nose. It was very unique. She used to have trouble finding sunglasses that would stay on and fit her right because of it.

I have the loud Breidenbach voice, too. In school, I was always getting in trouble for talking. Well, hello, I'm not talking to myself--but mine was the voice they heard. Even in college--the RA would come down our floor and say, "Susie, your voice carries!" But when I was in Phoenix for Uncle Bill's funeral, Aunt Mary said I sound a lot like Mom. Maybe it is the way I speak and the southern Indiana "dialect". People would get us mixed up on the phone, too. So I guess I have traits from both. They said John sounded a lot like Uncle Tom and I can hear that.

One thing I got from Mom is the "Bratcher finger". This is the little finger on the right hand. It is double jointed or something, because when I lay my hand flat, it bends up in the middle. If I want the finger to lay flat, I have to force it. Mom had this; Granny (Mom's mom) and her sisters had it. (Granny's maiden name was Bratcher.) I think Joe may have it--not sure if it is just a female trait. But I always think of Mom when I see my finger doing that.

We always used to kid Mom about all the bad stuff she gave us--dry skin, bowel problems; basically anything we had that was bad we blamed on Mom. It was kind a joke with John and me and Mom. We didn't really mean anything bad, we were just giving her a hard time. She was fun to joke with, although sometimes I wonder if we went too far! We used to say all our problems were because we were preemies and I used to say she smoked 2 packs a day when pregnant (which she didn't!). She did smoke while pregnant (but that was in the 50's and 60's) and she had a hole in her heart that she didn't know about...so it is a wonder we are even here! Then she told me recently she was supposed so stay in bed with me but when John F. Kennedy was shot, she got up to watch TV. He was shot on Nov. 22nd and they had to take me on Nov. 24th because of problems...Hmmm. Oh, that was another thing I used to joke with Mom about. How, since we were both C-sections, the first thing we bonded with was a pair of forceps. We were awful to her sometimes. Just joking, but I hope she knew we didn't mean anything bad. She would laugh, too. I loved to make her laugh. Jeff could make her laugh, too. She would get so tickled and say she was going to "spot" and run to the bathroom.

I'm certainly not built like Mom except for my hands and feet. They are small. The rest of me, well, not so small! (They told me I was more like Dad's Mom in certain "areas"...) Mom was a tiny, petite person. I'm short, but I'm not petite. I know I need to lose weight, but even if I did, I could never get down to 100 lbs. which is what Mom weighed most of her life. My and Mom's hands were exactly the same size. Our feet were pretty close, although she wore a 5 and I now wear a 6.5. She used to insist I wear a 5 and at some point, after cramming my feet into these shoes, I suggested I might need a bigger size. :-) 6.5 works better for me now as I have custom arch supports. I could maybe wear a 6 in heels, but well, yeah. Haven't worn heels since....????

Miss you Mom and Dad.

Susie

Haven't written in a while. We've been busy over at the house--mostly in the basement because it is so HOT. Been in the 90's for several days with no end in sight. The basement was mostly Dad's stuff. Susan has been cleaning out the back room which is unfinished and dirty. I think Dad kept every cord from every appliance and/or lamp they ever had! (Never know when you might need one.) There were cords everywhere. Hanging from the ceiling, in bags and boxes, on shelves. Lots of old electrical stuff. Plugs, wires, switches. I bet some of this had not been touched for 20-30 years. Some of it was in moldy bags or boxes. Found more GM stuff from the 50's until '89 when Dad retired. More Purdue stuff. Knights of Columbus stuff. Religious stuff on being a Lay Minister. Credit card statements and utility statements back to I think 1999. Bank statements, investment info. House stuff--which we will keep. Looks like they got a new roof in 2004. That's great news! New water heater in 2001. Of course Dad kept every manual to anything electronic--usually with the credit card receipt stapled to it and the date written on the front. That's my dad. Very organized--in some ways. Then we'd find misc. stuff just in folders or drawers. I found a 1945 calendar he got in the army--this little tiny thing that looked like a little booklet. Found a neat protractor set in a blue leather/?? binding. Travel stuff from their trips--itineraries, etc. A folder for each trip. And lots of cans. Like vegetable cans and coffee cans--all with the labels off and filled with screws, nails, lamps, and anything else Dad saved. The cans are everywhere. In the basement, on the back porch and in the shed. More mechanical pencils, leads and erasers. Rulers of all types. Stencils used in engineering and drafting. Oh, and did I mention golf balls? Lots and lots of golf balls. Joe took some and Dave Dunnst--but we found more. All those years collecting balls from Otis. Dad also cut off detergent containers and used them as storage. I wrote more stuff down but it is at the house. Will have to get it and add more later.

We also boxed up Mom's Emmett Kelly figurines. We never could understand why she liked them so much. I never liked them. She'd say, "Those things will be worth something someday" and I'd say, "Are you kidding? They're the first things I'm getting rid of!" or something like that. We always gave her a hard time about them. Sadly, they are not worth much. Nobody is buying them on Ebay. So off to the auction they go. It was strange boxing them up, though. Thinking that the last time they'd been in the box, she had carefully taken them out and placed them in her curio cabinet in the living room. I was with her when she bought some of them. One didn't have a box and I remember her buying it for a reduced price because it didn't have a box or stand.

Then there are the bird plates. She had two collections, one by Lennox and the other Bradford Exchange. We decided to keep the Lennox ones and sell the Bradford Exchange ones. The Lennox set was in the living room and the BE set was in the dining room. We've taken them all down but actually put a couple of the Lennox ones up in the bathroom. Again, she was sure they were "collectibles" and would be worth something. Sadly, they are not. But she really enjoyed them and that is what mattered. She loved her bird plates and her Emmett Kellys. We boxed up the BE plates for the auction as well.

We kept a lot of dishes from the China cabinet in the dining room, but some things we will take to the auction. The sad part for me is that I don't remember the significance of some of these things. Did they mean something to Mom? She told me over the years, but I do not remember. I wish I could have asked her.

Some things are hard for me to let go of. I'll see something and it will just bring back memories or it will just be so familiar--something I grew up seeing all the time. John and I were talking about this one paring knife that is still in the kitchen drawer. The blade is so thin from being sharpened for so many years and the handle is all worn--but there it is, still in the drawer. Why were some old things kept and some not? They have bought plenty of knives over the years--but they hung on to that one.

We still have so much to do. I think we took 20-30 trash bags of stuff out of the basement. Sometimes I think we're almost there--then I realize we have such a long way to go. I'm still hoping that we can move by October.

Some days are good days and some are not so good. I'd been OK and now I'm having some bad days again. Crying and just feeling sad and lost. I miss them so much. I ate at Hobby's this week on Wed. night and got the special--broasted chicken. We would do that a lot when I was in growing up. Go to Hobby's for broasted chicken on Wed. nights. Then there was the PGA Tournament on the big screen TV. Dad would've been watching that. He ALWAYS watched golf. Even if he came out to visit he'd turn the tv on to watch golf. And then he'd get on the phone with Watson Pearson and talk about Tiger Woods.

I still think they would've lived long lives if this had not happened. I always pictured Dad in his 90's like Grandpa and Mom in her late 80's like Aunt Bee. Even Granny lived to be 83 and she was sick a lot. They didn't have any major medical problems (that we knew of). I just thought they would be around another 10 years at least. I wanted to take care of them. I didn't want them to be sick, but I wanted to take care of them when they needed it.

I miss them so very much.

Susie

Cleaned out more of Mom's papers tonight. Lots of bird stuff, travel and landscaping info. They went to Seattle in 1993 and I remember they saw the house used in "Sleepless in Seattle". In May of 2003, they had a screech owl over there. It was on the fence and John was visiting. I didn't see it, but I remember she was fascinated by it. Several things on Sandhill Cranes. One time Mom and I went to Eagle Creek Park in Indianapolis. That was fun. It was a long time ago--maybe back in the 80's. We wanted to birdwatch. She always had her binoculars with her. I also found a list of birds we saw one time when we went to Spring Mill. It was in my handwriting. It was neat that she kept that. She had several folders with birding info in them all the way back to 1987. I wonder if she ever looked them much. I can't remember exactly when she started getting into birds--I know it was after she took care of that baby robin. Joe was always into birds and he encouraged her. He had lots of neat birds when he lived down on the Ohio River. Also found several health books. She was very concerned about taking prednisone. She had printed out lots of stuff from the Internet about it.

I didn't have a very good night tonight. I've been tired today and I never deal well with going over there when I'm tired. I've just been down today. We started to go through Mom's nightstand drawer and I couldn't do it. I just couldn't stop crying. I did read some of her journals again. I miss her so very much.

Went through more of Mom's things today. Mostly travel stuff and lots of bird stuff from the storage area by the basement stairs. She had saved all her Bird Watchers's Digest magazines for several years. She seemed to have started it around 1988 and stopped taking it in the 90's. She saved lots of articles and her remaining bird books were stuffed with articles and papers. (Joe took her most used bird book.) There were a couple of books on birds of the West. She probably had those when she went to Phoenix. We found a letter from Uncle Tom sent just this January about Sandhill Cranes that had been an AZ newspaper. I think it was about cranes. We found lots of travel brochures and even itineraries of some of their trips. They went to Italy from June 8-18, 1999. I remember them telling me they took a gondola ride on their anniversary (June 14). There are pictures somewhere. They went to Ireland from June 9-19, 2001. I think it is neat that they took trips around their anniversary date. In 2004, they had planned a trip to the parks of the West with Toby Tours. Then on August 20th, Mom tripped up the back patio steps after feeding the birds and broke her right hand. I remember that day. We found a copy of the cancellation form they had sent in to Toby to get their trip refunded. Reminds me that she fell again at December 2006 at the library. She tripped over a curb after she'd come in to see me. That time she broke her finger. It was still bothering her. That's why she wasn't wearing her wedding rings in the accident.

The robin's nest above the patio is empty now. I think I forgot to mention it before. I loved that there was a robin's nest right over the patio. Mom would have loved that, I think. If you sat on the patio, it was right over head. Anyway, it is empty now. Last week I saw little heads peeking out. I hope they're OK. I sat on the patio yesterday by myself. I tried to imagine them there with me. Mom sitting next to me as she always did. I looked over at the empty green patio chair and tried to imagine she was there. And Dad would've been there--either sitting there doing a crossword. Sometimes Dad used to practice his golf swing with a broom! He hadn't done it so much lately. We spent a lot of time on that patio. After dinner we'd go out there a lot and sit and talk. I love that patio. I love that yard. It is home to me. All the memories of that backyard and patio. I used to love to sit out there and read. I remember when they planted the big maple tree there near the patio. I was little--4 or 5 maybe? So that makes the tree around 40 years old.
Over by the basement stairs, it says SOPHIE 7-8-00. Dad wrote it in the concrete under Sophie's paw prints. They got new concrete poured and I asked Dad to put Sophie's paw prints there and he did! I think I mentioned that before.

Like my father before me, I cannot leave the house where my parents lived.


Love,

Susie

I'm having a sad day today. They just happen and I'm not sure what triggers them. Last night my friend Janice came to visit from Illinois. It was the first time I'd seen her since the accident. Maybe that's what started it. Anyway, I was kind of sad all day. We hadn't been to the house for a few days to work. We taped up some boxes of their stuff for the auction. That upset me--to see some of their things boxed up never to see them again. Then we bagged up some more of Dad's clothes. Tonight we did his winter pants--mostly corduroys. He had 7 or 8 pairs. Navy, gray, tan, brown and a black pair that looked hardly worn. Everything smelled like Downy. Mom used it in every load. He had a few pair of dress slacks and Dockers. I cried. Dad loved his corduroys. He lived in them in the winter. These all looked in pretty good shape. He would wear them until they were pretty thin and Mom made him get rid of them! I think they were Hagers. Size 34 30.
I miss Dad very much. I think of him sitting in his chair in his corduroys and sweaters doing his crosswords. I love you Dad.

Susie

We've been trying to get the weeds and trimming under control at the house. Lots of work! Don't think I've ever worked this hard. If Mom could see me now! She wouldn't believe it. Me doing manual labor. She would be happy that I'm doing it, but not happy that I let it get so out of control. I can just hear her saying, "Susie, if you just keep up on it and do a little at a time, you wouldn't have all this to do at once." We've almost got it done. Just a few more things to trim and a tiny bit more weeding. The landscaping was overgrown with weeds I'm sorry to say. I was going to have a landscaper do it for us, but he wanted to charge $1,000! No way. Susan and I decided to do it ourselves. Our friend, Kim Wheeler, has helped us a lot, too. She trimmed the large hemlock up in back yesterday and it looks great. As I walk around the yard, I can't help but think of Mom and Dad and miss them terribly. Their landscape was their pride and joy--esp. Mom. She loved to show off her plants. Again, I don't remember the names of all of them, but most. When I'm up in the shed, I think of Dad. That was his domain. Bug spray, weed killer, fertilizer, lots of garden tools, clippers, etc. And lots of pieces of board. If you ever needed a board for anything, big or small, Dad was your man! I can see him in my mind walking around the yard or pushing the mower. He was in such good shape it always amazed me. 82 last summer and still mowing the yard like it was no big deal. And I hate that yard! It is so bumpy and hard to mow. I love the way the yard looks, but not to mow it.

Yesterday we met with the auction guy. He thinks we can get in on an auction around Aug. 15th. Since we don't have a lot of stuff, we have to go in with other people. We'll sell Mom's Lowery Organ, her Emmett Kelly figures, some of her bird plates and other misc. items. Dad's big desk in the basement. I think it is very old. His initials are scratched in it someplace. Some chairs. But not much else. Once that is done, we hope to paint the rooms upstairs, put in ceiling fans and maybe clean the carpets. Maybe get new carpet for the basement. Then we'll be ready to move in.

I keep thinking of things I want to tell Mom and Dad and share with them about the house. It is strange because, again, we wouldn't be living there had they not died. But I want to say, see, your roses did ok this year...the hemlock looks good, or the bee balm is still alive. She thought she had lost it once last year. I still miss them every day.

Love,

Susie

I just love this picture of Dad. It was the first picture I took with his new digital camera. He basically gave it to me and told me to take pictures. You can see my hand in the rear view mirror. I was sitting in the driver's seat. This was taken I'm pretty sure right after we arrived inside Yellowstone.

One year ago today...

Judy, Joe, Dad, Mom, John, me (Susie)

One year ago today, we began our family trip to Yellowstone and the Grand Tetons. We had not taken a trip with all of us together since the 70's. This was something special. I have no doubt now that God was behind all of this. He let us have this beautiful trip together with Mom and Dad. Mom so enjoyed it. She had the binoculars out all the time looking at birds and wildlife. She just loved it all and was very enthusiastic--even though we almost didn't go because of her PMR. But she wasn't about to miss this trip. She told the doctor to give her whatever dose of prednisone she needed to make this trip. A week before she she could hardly walk in the morning and was using a walker...but she did fantastic the whole trip! Well, she did trip once and fall...and then Joe fell, too. Dad enjoyed it, too, in his own way. He never got too excited about stuff.

This picture was taken on the very last day at the very last minute standing outside the hotel in Bozeman, MT. All that beautiful scenery at Yellowstone and the Grand Tetons and we never took a picture of all of us together! I had the hotel clerk come out and take this so we'd have at least one family shot.

Susie

Been over a week since I posted. We found some more interesting things in the basement.
Found a letter from an army buddy of Dad's dated May, 1946. Some guy from Pennsylvania, I think. I might try to track him down. Don't really know why. He was going to pre-med at Georgetown. I wonder if he became a Dr. The letter was sent after they got back from WWII.

Found various membership info on Elks Club and Knights of Columbus. He joined both in 1950 or '51 and kept the initiation letters and rules, etc. Also found some newspaper clippings of Dad doing various K of C things. A couple of things about Leon Harbstreit. Leon and he were roommates at Purdue I think and then worked together at Central Foundry.

Kind of weird the things you find and just thrown in with unrelated stuff. Obituaries, lots of First Mass cards from priests, religious pamphlets. None of this I ever saw. It makes me sad. I wish I could've known Dad better. He just never opened up much or talked much. I think he was a sensitive, compassionate person, but could just never open up.

Dad had a thing for mechanical pencils. We find them everywhere. And little boxes of lead and lots of erasers. Must be the engineer in him! But he was still using the Purdue pencil I had gotten him several years ago. It was upstairs with his crossword stuff.

It is funny how he was so neat with file folders on everything, but then yet he just threw random things in boxes with no organization. But then he had lived there for 50 years. I know Mom made him throw stuff out. She did not like clutter. She probably told him to get rid of stuff so he just threw it wherever. :-)

Found a brand new pair of steel toe boots from Central Foundry. Still in the box and never been worn but they were moldy, so we threw them out.

On Monday, the 9th, I took some of Mom's shirts to Lisa Mowery. She is going to make a quilt of them. We picked out a 9 patch that will work well with all of her stripes and plaids. She said she wouldn't have it ready until this time next year. At first I was disappointed, but it will be OK. I'm really in no rush. We might make some pillows out of Dad's corduroys.

I can't remember if I mentioned this or not. I was looking at Mom's journals for July. Her legs started really bothering her sometime in June or so last year. Especially in the morning. One day she wrote and said I came over to check on her and "She's a good daughter." Well, this made me cry. Mom was not very forthcoming with compliments or praise. And so far, I had not seen anything like this in her journal. I always felt like I had let her down because I wasn't the little "girl" she always wanted. I was a tom boy growing up and really never grew out of it. She used to say she had three sons (instead of 2 sons and a daughter). She was always ragging on me about carrying a purse and wearing makeup. Anyway, when I read this, I felt so good. I always sought her approval and hoped that I was a good daughter to her. I tried to be. I tried to take care of her and make her feel special. I was so glad to read this.

Hoping to take stuff the auction sometime in August. Still lots to do. I miss them everyday.

Susie

4th of July

Trash, trash, and more trash. Today we found General Motors manuals dating back to the 50's. Also threw out some flares with a date of 1958. No kidding. These flares came from the trunk of the car Mom and Dad were driving in the accident. Seriously, would these flares have worked if needed? Had Dad been moving them from car to car for almost 50 years? We found a World Geography (History?) textbook published in 1928. Dad's name was on there first, then Uncle Bill's. The best thing found was Dad's baby book. It included his wrist bracelet (Boy Breidenbach), made of cloth, and a lock of hair from his first haircut. How cool was this--even more cool that he saved it for 83 years.

I am taking some of Mom's blouses to a lady next week who said she could make a quilt out of them. We went through all of Mom's blouses and picked out the best ones. The older, faded ones we will donate to Good Will. I feel better not throwing out all of her clothes. It made it a little easier knowing I would still have a few of her clothes in this way. Charter Club, Sag Harbor, Style & Co., Eddie Bauer, Liz Claiborne. Those were the brand names. Mostly stripes and checks. Mom wasn't really into frilly or flowery clothes.

Today was the 4th of July. Last year I remember being on the front porch with Dad when this jet flew over. It was supposed to do a fly over during the parade, but they had the time wrong. So we were just standing there talking and this jet flew over.

Usually we would get fireworks and let them off in the backyard at I Street. We always had fireworks growing up. I always loved it. At some point John started going to Tennessee to get illegal ones. Bottle rockets, firecrackers, roman candles and "fiesta balls". These were little "shells" you loaded in a tube and shot up in the sky. From then on, we always did fireworks at Mom and Dad's except for the one year they were in MN. John came up last year. Mom liked the fountains the best. She'd get her lawn chair and sit on the patio or up in the yard some. She just watched. But Dad wanted to be part of the action. He never lit them off, but he always shined a flashlight on the fuses for us and provided various size boards to set the fireworks on. And a bucket with water if needed. Then he would always clean up. He would always say he'd take care of it the next day in the daylight. That was like Dad. He wanted to make us all happy. Although we are adults in our 40's, John and I still liked to do fireworks. I realized this year that what we really liked was doing it for Mom and Dad. I didn't buy any this year. It just wasn't the same. There was no need this year, although I would have done it for Susan's Dad if he had wanted. We had been doing it for her mom and dad the last few years. But Emma passed away in October, so she wasn't here anymore, either. I think Mom and Dad liked it--I hope they did. I didn't even watch the town fireworks this year. Nothing is the same anymore. Time, I guess, for new traditions.

Today we threw 6 bags of trash out at I Street. Most of it was mine. I had saved A LOT of stuff from high school, college and library school. Geez! Mom kept saying I had a lot of stuff over there and I couldn't figure out what she was talking about! Now I know. I condensed all my stuff down to one box. Also got 3 bags of clothes ready for Goodwill. Mostly coats, some of Mom's robes, Dad's Dockers and shorts. We also found a bag full of greeting cards that were sent to Mom in January of 1965 when she had her open heart surgery. Pretty amazing. It was a big deal--I remember her telling me. They ran something in the paper to get blood donors for her. Open heart surgery was a big deal in 1965. I remember Mom telling me that it was bad weather and Dad had to put chains on the tires or something. I wasn't even two years old yet. She had so many cards! That was neat and made me weepy all at the same time. I kept some of them--like the ones from Grandpa Breidenbach and Glenva. She never had any trouble with her heart after that. That is amazing, too. They had put a teflon patch (I think) over the hole in her heart. I remember one time when she had to have a chest xray and I saw the wire in her breastbone where they "sewed" her back together. She told me her back really hurt after the surgery--because they had cracked her open and pulled her chest apart. I think they told her that she might have to have it patched again at some point, but she never did.

Tomorrow, back over there again. We've taken 4 days off this week to really start working on this. Susan also pulled out Mom's Arborvitae shrubs that had died. She just planted them last summer or fall and they didn't do well at all. She wasn't happy with them last year.

I deleted Mom and Dad's borrower records from the library database today. They got their library cards in Feb. of 1996. Mom on the 28th and Dad on the 29th. Kind of weird, really, since I didn't start working here until March 2006. Anyway, Dad last used his card in July 2006. It was probably me checking something out for him. I forgot to look at Mom's. I used to check out quilting books for her. I'd check out religious stuff for Dad. I bet what he had in July was stuff on digital cameras. They just bought a new one for the trip to Yellowstone. I decided to delete their records today...not sure why today, but when I look up my name, I kept seeing theirs. Whereas that used to give me comfort, now, it seems to give me pain.

Last night we worked over at the house and it felt good. Got rid of some stuff and put a few things back in the attic. There was some of their old luggage and a couple of Mom's new pieces. Mom had a bunch stuff in hers. Baggies, little containers, hair nets, lots of shower caps, toothpaste and toothbrush I recognized from last year's trip. Dad's suitcase had a small roll of toilet paper in it! That is so Dad! The hardest thing to throw away was Mom's little hair nets. After she rolled her hair at night, she'd put these on. It was a nightly ritual. Hard to believe this time last year, we were anticipating our trip to Yellowstone. I sure never thought less than a year later they would be gone. That trip now will always be bittersweet to me. It was such a great trip--all of us together again. It was like we got one last time to all be together. But I had looked forward to reminiscing with them about it this summer--getting out the pictures, etc. Now I can't really even look at those pictures because they make me sad. Yellowstone was something to see--wow. But now I don't know when I'll be able to enjoy those pictures again--if ever. Mom had a good time. It is hard to tell about Dad. He liked to look at the map as we were driving, but sometimes he wouldn't get out and look at the sites. Well, Mom wouldn't always either. But she was dealing with her PMR. That's another story for another time.

That's all for now.

I seem to be having a hard time again. Why now? I miss Mom. I miss her all the time. I miss Dad, too, but it is different. I can't stop thinking about all the things I will never get to do with Mom again. All our shopping trips. Going to the Indy Zoo. Traveling. Taking her places. I loved my little mom. I wanted to take care of her. I miss being with her and talking to her. I haven't talked to her for 4 months. And...I will never talk to her again. I didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't get to tell her or Dad I loved them. I hope they knew...I think they did...but I never got to tell them one last time. I want to give her a hug. Dad wouldn't hardly let you hug him, but I'd give him one, too.
I talked to John for an hour last night. He told me he went to see a therapist and he cried for an hour. It is hard for me to think of him and the pain and suffering. It makes me cry, too--for him, for me and for Mom and Dad. He said they didn't deserve to die that way. I've had those same thoughts and feelings. I still keep thinking of it and getting bad pictures in my head. Everyone says to just not think about it. Sometimes I can do that and sometimes it just comes and I can't stop it. Now Bob and Bev are going to Jasper tomorrow to pick up John's new dog, Buddy. Same situation. Same scenario. They're even eating at the Schnitzelbank, which was the last place Mom and Dad ate. It is all too freaky. I don't like it. I'm going over to I Street now to work on the house. Not looking forward to that, either.

Susie

"You forget the things you want to remember and remember the things you want to forget."

This came from a book I'm reading, called, "The Road" by Cormac McCarthy.
How true it is. I try so hard to remember things about Mom and Dad. I'm afraid I'm going to forget little things, and I don't want to. But then my memory doesn't seem to be lacking when it comes to February 9. Too much of that day and the following several days I can't seem to forget.

Some work on the house was finished this week. Our half bath in the attic is done and we have a new floor in the rest of the attic. Nothing fancy, but still! It is good, I think, to have something new. A new room that totally had nothing to do with Mom and Dad. Well, Mom always wanted a bathroom upstairs. She talked about it for years. But...they never did it. Not sure why. It is
kind of strange. Mom is exactly the person I want to show the new room, too. I find myself wanting to show her what we've done and what color we painted. But if they hadn't died, we wouldn't be moving over there and we wouldn't have remodeled. I still want to show it to her, though. Get her reaction and approval. I think she'd like it.

Now we have to put stuff back in the attic, paint the bedrooms upstairs. Then move Mom and Dad's bedroom furniture upstairs to my old bedroom, and then...not sure. But we're getting there. Slowly but surely, we'll get moved over there.

This week I went to a reunion of sorts of my Bereavement Group. The counselor said it gets really hard again at 6 months. I guess that's when you really accept things. I know I'm not there yet. I still find it really hard to accept that they are gone, and the way that it happened. I still having moments over at the house when I think they should be there or that it feels strange them not being there. I still think of them when I walk out the door--picture Dad walking down the steps or on the sidewalk in front of the house. I saw an older lady in a Le Sabre yesterday and it reminded me of Mom. I could picture her coming down the hill at I Street in her sun glasses and pulling in the driveway. I can still see her out in the yard filling her bird feeders, looking at her plants and flowers, sitting out on the back patio. We used to sit out there and talk. Mom used to also sit on the front porch a lot at night by herself. Sometimes I wouldn't even know she was out there. She'd be over there in the corner. I think I will always think of her when I sit over there.

Somehow her little hummingbird rain gauge got broken. I think either the fence guys did it or Larry or Charllie. I think she bought that over at Nashville--maybe at the Bartley House. It made me think about going to Nashville with her. We went every October and had been doing it for at least 20 years. I'd even come home from Chicago in October so we could go. I don't know if I can go this year. I loved going with her. That was our day. We'd go to Nashville and shop, maybe eat lunch at the Ordinary or Hob Knobb. We always hit the candle place, the Trilogy, the Bartley House. Then we usually went to the Brown County State Park and drive around--looking at the fall leaves, etc. We didn't do that last year. I think she wasn't feeling well and was tired from the prednisone. The year before we really spent a long time there.

Well, now I'm rambling. So better go.

Susie

Today was Father's Day. I miss Dad. I'd always get him a cake and some little gift just to let him know I loved him. Something golf related. Dad always got such a kick out of getting a cake. He loved sweets. If you got him a cake or a pie, he was happy. So I hope wherever he is, he got a big cake today... Love you, Dad.

Susie

Today, Fence Masters out of Bloomington finished work on the fence at I Street. We gated in 3 corners and finished out the corner down by the patio. We felt we had to do this for the dogs. They are used to our fenced in yard and also, they don't know to stay in the yard. Sophie would stay in the yard (Mom trained her). In a week, Larry and Charlie should have the attic and bathroom done. It feels strange making these changes--but it feels good, too. We are making the house our own ready for new memories.

But I still miss them so much.

Love,

Susie

55th Wedding Anniversary

Today would've been Mom and Dad's 55th Wedding Anniversary. On this day in 1952, Mom and Dad were married at St. Vincent de Paul Catholic Church in Bedford, Indiana. This picture was taken in 2002 on their 50th Wedding Anniversary. Mom didn't want anything special. We would've gladly given them a big party, but all they wanted was a private Mass celebrated by John and with immediate family. So, we went to this little church in New Harmony, Indiana called Holy Angels. John arranged for us to have the church to ourselves. It was John saying Mass, and me, Joe and Judy, Jonna and Susan in attendance. That was it. It was very nice. Very touching. Mom and Dad were beaming. I think Dad would've had a party if Mom had wanted it, but she didn't. She didn't want a big fuss made. We had the Mass, we went to the Red Geranium at the New Harmony Inn to dinner. I think John had taken them there before. We had a special table and they had a special cake made. Their anniversary was on a Friday. We stayed the night and the next day we went to Newburgh, Indiana on the Ohio River for shopping and sight seeing. Last year, they went to St. Louis to visit Mom's cousin, Mary K. They went up in the arch on the 14th and the Botanical Gardens. (According to Mom's journal.)
Tonight I went to visit their graves. I wanted to be with them on this day. Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad.

Today, remodeling started on the house at I Street. The guys (Larry Bond and Charlie Elkins) installed piping today for the small bathroom we are putting in the attic. They had to cut a hole in the wall in the kitchen. They are also going to put a floor in the attic and put up some plywood on the walls. Just fix it up a little. The fence guys (FenceMasters) started work on the fence today. We need to completely close in the fence so that Greta and Fritzi can't get out. They love our fenced in backyard so much in Oolitic. I admit, I felt kind of weird making these changes on the house. But, in a way, I suppose it is a good thing. We are making it our own. They are doing a good job. I sure wouldn't want to work up in that attic! I am anxious to see how it turns out. The fence will probably be done by the weekend. After the bathroom is done and the fence, we'll have the two bedrooms painted upstairs and then really get serious about moving in. We bought some ceiling fans for up there, too. First, we'll finish removing their things. Things we don't want/need will be taken to the armory for auction. We cleaned out the closet over the TV in the living room. Wow! That top shelf is really up there. All the stuff is out of the attic and in the bedrooms upstairs. Some of this will go back in the attic; some not. I keep wondering what Mom and Dad would think about our changes. Mom always wanted a bathroom upstairs. She'd talked about it for years. And she wanted a floor in the attic. She probably wouldn't have liked the fence. For some reason, when they got the fence, they decided to only close in one corner. I think Mom didn't want feel "enclosed". Her landscaping will stay intact. They are working around it.
Love, Susie

Sophie -- January 9, 1991 - June 2, 2007

Yesterday, my beloved Dachshund, Sophie, passed away. She was 16. This is a picture of Mom and Sophie--not sure when taken. At least 2-3 years ago. I got Sophie on February 25, 1991 when she was 6 weeks old. I remember bringing her home to show Mom and Dad...Mom thought something was wrong with Sophie's eyes because she had those brown spots as eyebrows! I told her they were supposed to be that way. :-) Of course in this picture, her eyebrows are white. Mom and Dad took care of Sophie for me when I first got her until I moved back home from Bloomington. Then I lived there until 1994, so Sophie grew up with Mom and Dad. Mom housebroke her and trained her to stay in the yard and on the front porch. Sophie NEVER made a mess in the house until the last year or so when she was getting sick. I attribute that to Sophie being the best dog, but also to Mom's training. When I moved to Woodbridge, IL, Mom and Dad brought Sophie up one weekend after keeping her while I moved. It was just Sophie and me in Chicago and I couldn't have made it without her. She was the only thing that kept me afloat. She was my best buddy. After I came back from from Chicago in 1996, Mom and Dad took care of Sophie a lot. When I lived on T Street in Bedford, Dad would go over during the day and get her and take her to their house. I called them her "Grandparents" and she their "Granddog". Sometimes I would drop her off at "doggie day care" on my way to work and say I dropped her off at Grandma's. Mom would send me emails and say "Sophie's such a good doggie. She likes it here."
She was my dog, but kind of theirs, too. She was always over at their house.
In the past few years, Sophie started getting me up at night a lot, so sometimes I'd let her stay overnight at Mom and Dad's so I could get some rest. Over there, she would stay in her little crate and sleep all night. As a matter of fact, I was supposed to take her over there the night of their accident. Dad had brought her crate down from upstairs and it was sitting in the dining room ready for her. I would say I was taking Sophie over there for "Betty Boot Camp" and get her back on the right schedule. Susan came up with that phrase and we loved it. The last time she was over at their house was on January 9 of 2007--for her "birthday party." We always had cake and ice cream on her birthday.
I knew in October that Sophie would not be here too much longer. The vet said her kidneys were going and she already had congestive heart failure. I knew Christmas 2006 would be her last one. But I did not know that it would be Mom and Dad's last one, too. I always thought Sophie would go before Mom and Dad--that they would be here with me when the time came. But she didn't. I think she stayed around to help me through their deaths. She was here for me--one more time. For a long time she had not been sleeping with me under the covers. She would just lay on top. But after they died, she started getting under the covers and curling up next to me. I think she knew I needed her--I needed the warmth and comfort of her little body to help me fall asleep. So I think she stayed around to help me. But we are moving to their house on I Street pretty soon, and I was worried about moving her again. Even though she knew the house--she was pretty blind and deaf and would wonder a lot through the house. I thought it might really be hard on her to move at this stage. Plus, she had been getting worse the last few weeks. I did not want her to suffer, and I wanted to do the right thing when the time came. At 5:00 am, I called the vet and he said she was not suffering and was in and out of consciousness. So, I just let her go naturally. She was on the couch in her favorite spot with Susan and I by her side. Her little heart just finally gave out. She was fine at 5:30 pm on Friday night. By 6:55 am on Saturday morning, she was gone.

There will never be another Sophie. She was such a good, good dog. We had a strong bond. I could tell by the way she looked at me. She was my baby--the really special one that you only have once in a lifetime. I will miss her for the rest of my life.

Love,

Susie